What do you say when someone asks, "What do you want in a relationship?"
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably been caught off guard by this question—maybe on a date, maybe in a deep conversation with someone you really like, or maybe while filling out your profile on a dating site.
It sounds simple, but if you don’t have a clear answer, it can feel overwhelming; I’ve been there.
In my pursuit of a long lasting relationship, I’ve been on a lot of dates—some great, some awkward, some where the chemistry just wasn’t there. I’ve had nights filled with laughter and easy conversation, and others where I spent the whole time scanning for red flags, watching for any signs of dishonesty, and wondering if I was wasting my time.
Let’s just say, the dating scene can be murky and overwhelming.
Then, one day, I found myself on a date with someone different. We could talk about anything and everything. And inevitably, the question came up: “What are you looking for in a relationship?” I wasn’t surprised—it’s a fair question. But in that moment, I realized something: I had never actually put my answer into words.
Maybe you’ve had a similar moment—sitting there, deep in thought, trying to figure out what you really want. That’s okay. Because the truth is, answering this question isn’t just about giving a response—it’s about understanding what will actually make you happy.
That’s exactly what this article is here to help with.
If you’re unsure about what you’re looking for, or you struggle to express it, I want to help. I’ll walk you through not only how to answer this question with confidence, but also how to identify the qualities that make a relationship fulfilling—so you can recognize the right connection when it comes along.
Let’s figure it out together.
Related: The Truth About Relationship Compatibility
How to Answer the Question "What Are You Looking For in a Relationship"
By now, you’ve probably realized that "What do you want in a relationship?" isn’t always an easy question to answer. If you haven’t thought much about it, you might find yourself defaulting to something generic:
"I just want someone kind and funny."
"I want someone who is interesting, who likes what I like."
"I’m looking for my perfect partner—someone who just gets me."
"I don’t know… I guess I’ll know it when I see it."
These answers aren’t wrong, but they also don’t give you (or the person asking) much clarity on what truly matters to you in a relationship. And here’s the thing—figuring out what you want isn’t just about having an answer ready for someone else. It’s about making sure you know what will actually make you happy.
Before diving into how to respond, let’s first acknowledge that what we look for in a relationship can change depending on whether we're seeking something casual or something serious.
Casual Dating vs. a Serious Relationship: Knowing What You Want
Not every relationship has to be a grand love story. Sometimes, we just want companionship, fun, or the chance to explore connections without the pressure of long-term commitment. Other times, we’re looking for something deeper—emotional intimacy, partnership, and a shared vision for the future.
There’s no right or wrong answer, but the key is understanding where you stand right now.
- Are you looking for something casual, with no strings?
- Are you open to seeing where things go?
- Are you looking for exclusivity?
- Do you want a life partner?
Being upfront about your intentions, even if they evolve over time, helps ensure you and the other person are on the same page.
Now, let’s get into the how—how to express what you want with confidence and clarity.
What to Look for in a Relationship vs. a Partner
When thinking about what you want, it's easy to focus only on the kind of person you’re looking for—someone kind, ambitious, or fun to be around. But what really matters is how that person contributes to the relationship dynamic you want. The two are connected, but they’re not the same.
For example, let’s say you want a relationship that feels stable and emotionally secure—one where you can be yourself without fear of judgment and where problems are approached as a team. That means you’re not just looking for someone who is fun and spontaneous; you’re looking for a partner who is emotionally mature, reliable, and communicates openly.
Or maybe you want a relationship that is full of adventure and personal growth. In that case, you're likely seeking a partner who is curious, independent, and willing to step outside their comfort zone with you.
Understanding this distinction can make all the difference. You might meet someone who checks every box on your "ideal partner" list, but if they don’t contribute to the kind of relationship you actually want, you may still feel unfulfilled. On the other hand, recognizing the connection between relationship values and partner qualities can help you be more intentional in choosing someone who truly aligns with what will make you happy.
What Do You Want: Practical Tips for Answering the Question
Instead of feeling like you're being put on the spot, think of this as an opportunity. The person asking likely wants to make sure your intentions match theirs, and your answer can help guide the direction of your connection. Here’s how to approach it:
1. Clarify Your Core Values
Start by asking yourself: What are the top five qualities I value in a partner? This could be things like honesty, emotional support, ambition, humor, or a shared outlook on life. Identifying these will help you articulate what truly matters to you in a relationship.
2. Be Honest—But Keep It Natural
There’s no need to craft a "perfect" answer. Just be real. If you're looking for a long-term connection, say so. If you're open to seeing where things go but aren’t in a rush, that’s valid too. Avoid saying what you think they want to hear—authenticity is always more attractive than people-pleasing.
3. Keep It Simple and Direct
You don’t need a rehearsed monologue. A concise, straightforward answer works best. For example:
"I’m looking for a relationship where there’s mutual respect, fun, and emotional support. I’d love something that has long-term potential, but I also want to take my time getting to know the right person."
Or, if you’re unsure:
"I’m still figuring that out, but what matters most to me is good communication and genuine connection. I want to be with someone who makes me feel at ease and excited to spend time together."
4. Focus on What You Do Want
Instead of listing what you don’t want (e.g., "I don’t want drama" or "I’m not into players"), frame your response in a positive way. For example, say:
"I’m looking for a relationship where both of us feel valued and appreciated."
This keeps the conversation forward-thinking and inviting.
5. Show Flexibility—Without Compromising Your Non-Negotiables
It’s okay to have certain things you won’t budge on, like wanting kids or prioritizing emotional stability. But relationships also require some flexibility. If your ideal number of kids is three but you're open to adjusting based on your partner’s perspective, acknowledge that. A rigid approach can make you seem unwilling to grow with someone.
6. Turn It into a Two-Way Conversation
Don’t let this be a one-sided interrogation. Follow up with your own questions: "What about you? What’s important to you in a relationship?" This not only helps you gauge compatibility but also makes the conversation feel more natural and engaging.
Answering the question “What are you looking for in a relationship?” is about more than just giving the right response—it’s about truly understanding what you need to feel happy and fulfilled with someone else.
Let’s Make It Personal: Defining What Matters to You
So far, we’ve covered tips to help you answer the question “What are you looking for in a relationship?” But what if you’re still figuring that out?
The truth is, it’s one thing to know how to respond—it’s another to know what truly feels right for you. Before you settle on an answer, take a moment to reflect on what you genuinely want and need in a relationship.
The questions below will help you explore your priorities, deal-breakers, and long-term vision—so when the time comes, your answer won’t just sound good. It will feel right.
Relationship Self-Reflection Questions: What Do You Want?
- What does a fulfilling relationship look like to me on a daily basis?
- How important is emotional intimacy to me?
- What kind of communication style makes me feel most comfortable and valued?
- Do I need a lot of personal space, or do I prefer a more intertwined relationship?
- What are my deal-breakers—things I absolutely cannot compromise on?
- What values matter most to me in a partner (e.g., honesty, ambition, kindness)?
- Do I want marriage? If so, how soon?
- Do I want kids? If yes, how do I envision parenting?
- How do I handle conflict, and what do I need from a partner in difficult moments?
- How much independence do I want in a relationship vs. shared time?
- What does trust mean to me, and how do I build it with someone?
- How important is physical attraction, and how do I define it beyond appearance?
- What does emotional support look like for me in a relationship?
- Do I want a partner who shares my interests, or do I prefer having separate hobbies?
- What role does humor play in my ideal relationship?
- How important is financial compatibility (spending habits, goals, stability)?
- What’s my love language, and how do I want my partner to express love?
- Do I need a partner who is spontaneous, structured, or a balance of both?
- How do I feel about traditional vs. unconventional relationship roles?
- How important is shared spirituality or religion to me?
- What level of ambition or drive do I want my partner to have?
- Do I want a partner who enjoys deep conversations, or do I prefer keeping things light?
- What kind of lifestyle do I want—fast-paced and adventurous or steady and peaceful?
- How do I want to celebrate milestones (anniversaries, holidays, achievements)?
- Am I looking for a relationship where we grow together, challenge each other, or both?
Reflecting on these questions can help you figure out what you want, but how do you know if you’re on the right track?
Sometimes, the best way to find clarity is by looking at the qualities that build strong, lasting connections. While everyone’s needs are unique, certain fundamentals contribute to a healthy, fulfilling relationship
9 Things You Should Look For in a Healthy Relationship
Through my own experiences—countless dates, navigating uncertainty, and finally recognizing what truly matters—I’ve put together my own ‘short list’ of essential relationship qualities. These aren’t just nice-to-haves; they’re the foundations of a strong, lasting connection. Now, I want to share them with you.
Studies show that we naturally weigh potential partners against our internal criteria, often seeking compatibility in love styles and relationship dynamics. After all, shared values and emotional alignment create deeper bonds and long-term success.
While everyone’s priorities are unique, this list is a good starting point for figuring out what truly matters to you in a relationship. With that in mind, here are nine key things I’ve found to be essential in a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
1. A Friendship That Feels Like Home
This may sound cliché, but friendship is the backbone of a lasting relationship—which is why I rank it first. The quality of friendship between two people naturally influences many other aspects of their connection.
Some of the questions I ask myself include:
- Do I genuinely enjoy spending time with this person?
- Can I be my full self—the good, the bad, and the messy?
- Do I feel understood and appreciated?
- Is this person the first one I turn to when I need support?
If the answer is yes, then I know we have a solid foundation—one built on shared values, mutual appreciation, and the ability to face challenges together.
2. A Spark That Lasts Beyond First Impressions
One of my love languages is physical touch, so attraction plays a big role in how I connect with someone. Have you ever been out with friends, and while most of you are swooning over someone, a few just don’t see the appeal? I hear you. It’s happened to me plenty of times, which only proves one thing—everyone has their own ‘type.’
But don’t underestimate the importance of physical attraction. We are naturally drawn to certain people, and whether we like it or not, our feelings often show on our faces the moment we see them.
That said, attraction isn’t just about looks. Grooming, personal style, and body language all play a role in how someone presents themselves. Actions, after all, speak louder than words.
And here’s something I’ve learned—attraction can evolve. While initial chemistry is important, emotional intimacy, shared experiences, and the way someone makes you feel over time can deepen attraction in ways that go beyond physical appearance.
Be honest about what you find attractive. If the topic comes up, don’t be afraid to share your preferences. Honesty is always the best policy.
3. Sexual Compatibility That Feels Natural
Now, I'll be honest—I don’t advocate for sex on the first date. In my experience, it either makes things awkward afterward or turns the dating process into a chase for the next hookup. Take it from me—neither of those scenarios usually leads to something meaningful.
But after spending time together over a few dates, it’s important to have open conversations about physical affection and intimacy. What feels good? What makes each of you feel desired—both physically and emotionally? Understanding each other’s needs can strengthen your connection and build a deeper level of trust.
That said, I’ve learned that sexual compatibility isn’t always instant—it can grow over time in a space of trust and compromise, and you can nurture it together. Relationships take effort, so don’t let the right person go just because of some differences you can talk through and work on. As long as both people are willing, compatibility can develop.
4. Shared Core Values That Align Your Future
Core values mean different things to different people, but when it comes to a long-term relationship, having similar core values on key issues—like ethics, work, finances, family, and religion—can create a much smoother path forward.
Research shows that couples who share similar core values are more likely to experience a healthier relationship, better mental well-being, and greater overall life satisfaction.
Maybe you’re the type of person who loves to plan ahead—you’ve already mapped out what you want your family or career to look like. If your partner respects your long-term vision and aligns with your goals, you’ve hit the jackpot.
On the other hand, misalignment on core values can create tension over time. Strong disagreements—whether about life priorities, financial habits, physical health, or even major decisions like having kids—can slowly erode connection, leading to frustration, resentment, and ultimately, a fading spark.
5. Honest Communication That Flows Both Ways
It’s easy to say that you want open communication in a relationship—but are you willing to reciprocate? Effective communication is a two-way street, and how you both express yourselves early on can be a strong indicator of long-term compatibility.
Pay attention to the way conversations flow. Does your partner listen and respond thoughtfully, or do they shut down difficult discussions? Do they express their emotions clearly, or does it feel like you’re constantly guessing how they feel? These early signs can reveal a lot about how communication will function in the long run.
One of the most valuable aspects of a healthy relationship is having the space to be honest without fear of judgment. When you don’t communicate openly, resentment builds—and that can be far more damaging than any difficult conversation.
Being able to openly express your thoughts, feelings, and needs is key. But communication isn’t just about the good times—it’s just as important to consider how you and your partner handle conversations when things aren’t going well. Without this, misunderstandings can pile up, leading to hurt feelings that could have been avoided with honest, open dialogue.
6. Conflict That Leads to Resolution, Not Resentment
No matter how compatible two people are, disagreements are inevitable. What truly matters isn’t whether you argue—it’s how you argue.
Conflict in a relationship can either bring two people closer or drive a wedge between them. Does your partner approach disagreements with a willingness to listen and understand, or do they immediately get defensive or shut down? Do small arguments spiral into something bigger, or can you both find resolution without resentment lingering?
Anger itself isn’t a dealbreaker—it’s a natural human emotion. But how it’s expressed makes all the difference. Does frustration turn into name-calling, gaslighting, stonewalling, or passive-aggressive behavior? Or is it met with patience, accountability, and a desire to work through things together?
Ultimately, a healthy relationship isn’t one without arguments—it’s one where both people feel heard, respected, and safe, even in difficult conversations.
7. Mutual Respect That Never Wavers
Any dating coach will give you this advice: "Watch how they treat you, because that’s how they feel about you." The bottom line is simple—every person deserves respect.
Mutual respect also extends beyond personality and opinions—it includes your interests, values, and ambitions. Respect isn’t just about avoiding negativity—it’s about actively appreciating each other’s individuality.
For example, if your passion is writing, does your partner support your creativity even if they aren’t a writer themselves? If they love hiking but you’d rather read a book, do they respect your preference rather than trying to change you? Healthy respect allows space for both people to thrive as individuals while growing together.
Even in moments of disagreement, a relationship built on mutual respect allows for common ground. It’s not about always agreeing, but about recognizing the value in each other’s perspectives.
8. Emotional Alignment That Feels Right
Emotional alignment is about more than just chemistry—it’s about being on the same kind of wavelength when it comes to love, connection, and emotional needs. While every relationship has differences, understanding how you and your partner express and receive love can make or break long-term compatibility.
For instance, what is your love language? Is it words of affirmation, acts of service, or perhaps physical touch? Do you have a strong sense of self-worth that can’t accommodate an insecure attachment style? Do you thrive on independence and need alone time to recharge, or do you feel most connected when you spend lots of time together?
I am an introvert and even though I love gifts and spending quality time with my partner, I also prefer to spend extended times alone to recharge and reflect. Understanding this about myself has been crucial in relationships—it’s not about changing who I am, but about setting boundaries and making sure my partner and I respect each other’s emotional needs.
At the end of the day, you and your partner won’t align on everything. But if you don’t share the same kind of emotional expectations—whether that’s how you handle affection, personal space, or conflict—it can create frustration over time. The key is open communication: letting the other person know what makes you feel truly loved and valued—and being willing to listen in return.
9. Trust: The Foundation That Holds It All Together
Trust may seem obvious—of course, every healthy relationship needs it. But here’s the thing: trust isn’t just about believing someone won’t lie or cheat. It’s about feeling safe, emotionally and mentally, in your relationship.
Trust is what allows you to communicate openly without fear, to navigate conflict without doubt, and to rely on your partner without hesitation. It’s built in the little moments—keeping promises, showing up when it matters, being honest even when it’s hard.
You can have passion, shared values, and great communication, but if trust is shaky, everything else feels uncertain. A truly strong relationship isn’t just about love—it’s about knowing, deep down, that you can count on each other.
What Do You Want from a Relationship? The Ultimate Checklist
I’ve shared my shortlist of the nine things that truly matter in a relationship for me—now, here’s a broader checklist to help you define what’s most important to you. Not everything will be a priority, and that’s okay.
Check off what resonates, and start building a clearer picture of the relationship that fits you best.
- Friendship
- Physical Attraction
- Sexual Compatibility (Passion & Good Sex)
- Similar Core Values
- Honest Communication
- Positive Conflict Resolution
- Mutual Respect
- Emotional Alignment & Safety
- Trust
- Empathy
- Loyalty
- Affection
- Forgiveness
- Sense of Humor
- Intimacy (Physical & Emotional)
- Shared Love Language
- Shared Interests & Social Compatibility
- Independence in the Relationship
- Parenting Compatibility
- Spiritual or Religious Compatibility
- Financial Compatibility
- Family Compatibility
- Support & Encouragement
- Compromise
- Similar Approach to Health & Fitness
This checklist is a good place to start, but everyone’s priorities are different—are there other qualities that matter to you? What would you add to your list?
Finding the Right Long-Term Relationship: Stay True to What Matters
We all want to find true love, and sometimes, it starts with a single moment—when you’re asked what you’re looking for in a relationship, and for the first time, you know exactly how to answer. Not because you’ve rehearsed the perfect response, but because you’ve taken the time to understand what truly matters to you.
Maybe you’ll meet someone who checks every box, or maybe you’ll find someone who surprises you in ways you didn’t expect. Either way, the right relationship isn’t about settling—it’s about recognizing when something feels right and being brave enough to wait for it.
So be honest. Be clear. Be unapologetic about what you want. The path to a lasting, fulfilling relationship isn’t about guessing what someone else wants to hear—it’s about knowing yourself and holding out for the kind of connection that feels real.
And when you find it? You won’t have to wonder—you’ll just know.
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