Physical touch is among the five love languages developed by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages. Other love languages include quality time, gift giving/receiving, words of affirmation, and acts of service. While all five are important — and most of us have some of each — knowing the primary way that you and your partner give and receive love is crucial to a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Individuals with the physical touch love language prefer to express love through physical contact. It’s not that others also don’t enjoy and appreciate physical touch. But when you have this as your language of love, you associate it with feelings of appreciation, love, and being valued in a relationship.
Note that physical touch is not entirely about sex. Even though sex can be an integral part of a romantic relationship, the love language of physical touch involves many other forms of physical gestures of love, such as hugging, holding hands, a shoulder squeeze, or a foot rub. So, if your relationship is non-sexual for one reason or another, including long-distance, PTSD, or postpartum, you don't need to worry, as you can still receive and express love in other forms.
Not sure if physical touch is your love language? Join us as we explore how someone whose love language is physical touch behaves in a romantic relationship to see if this is you or your partner.
Physical Affection VS. Sexual Intimacy
Before we go any further, it's important to mention that there is a difference between physical connection and sexual intimacy. While some may believe that physical touch must end in sexual intimacy, that is not always true. And this is not to say that it shouldn't, but rather that it's not necessarily the case.
You may love sex and want lots of it, but that doesn't mean physical affection is your love language. After all, many of us enjoy our partner’s touch and find it relaxing and soothing. Physical intimacy and affection are important in relationships, and their absence can be a sign of problems, regardless of your love language.
However, if you are someone who, from the very get-go and at your core, connects whether or not you feel loved by and special to your partner with touch, chances are your language of love is physical touch.
It's good to note that different people prefer to be loved in different ways when it comes to physical closeness. Some people are comfortable with soothing light touches, such as caresses, cuddles, or strokes, without initiating sex. Ensure you communicate honestly with your partner so your actions are not misinterpreted. A relationship coach can help you communicate your needs to your partner if you have problems conveying it yourself.
Why Does Physical Touch Feel So Good?
According to research, high affectionate touch among couples is a measure of overall relationship health and stability. Physical touch is the easiest way to express love and affection and create a strong bond with your partner.
That's not all; physical touch triggers the release of the feel-good hormone Oxytocin, which promotes mental health through relaxation, building trust, and offering overall psychological stability. Oxytocin also helps couples feel more bonded together and feel greater love together.
How to Tell if Your Love Language is Physical Touch
There are different ways to tell if physical touch is someone's primary language of love. One is by reading the description of the love language to see if you can relate to it. You can also know your language of love through self-reflection. Try to remember when your partner made you feel extra special and loved. Was it when they gave you a foot rub after a stressful day at work or when they gave you a warm hug in public?
If you answered yes to one or both questions, your primary love language may be physical touch.
You can also figure out your primary love language by considering how you show love to others because that's usually a manifestation of how you'd like to be treated. Suppose you describe yourself as a hugger, a cuddler, or someone who likes to hold hands or play with other people's hair. In that case, you may prefer to receive love through physical expressions.
All in all, here are signs physical touch is your primary love language:
- Little physical gestures like resting your head on your partner's shoulder and holding hands are some of your favorite things to do in a relationship.
- You value a warm hug, kiss, cuddle, and other touches more than anything else.
- You feel weird sitting next to your partner without cuddling or touching.
- You enjoy public displays of affection like holding hands and kissing.
- A long hug with your partner makes you feel deeply connected to them.
- You feel hurt or upset if your partner doesn't throw random kisses on your forehead, lips, and other places.
- You like it when your partner grabs your arm or puts their hand around you in public.
- You enjoy an extra "touchy" relationship, with lots of hand-holding, cuddling, kissing, and other light touches.
- A simple act such as holding hands and kissing makes you feel loved and cared for.
- You can't stand being in a relationship with someone who doesn't initiate intimate touch.
- You consistently grab your partner's arm without thinking about it.
- An intimate touch from your partner is all you need to feel good after having a bad day.
- You may appreciate gifts and acts of service, but the focused attention and cuddles are what make you feel special and loved.
- When you're with your partner, you somehow end up mindlessly caressing their hair, holding their arm or knee, or resting your legs on their thighs.
- When you're stressed, the feel of your partner's hand in yours or on your shoulder will give you instant relief.
- You feel loved when there's physical closeness between you and your partner and feel unloved when they withdraw physical contact.
- A foot massage from your partner sounds super romantic.
- You feel loved and special when your partner initiates sex or even non-intimate touches with you.
- You totally notice when your partner doesn't touch you in public, and it somehow upsets you.
- You spend hours cuddling and brushing your animal companions.
Still trying to figure it out? Take our languages of love test.
Examples of Physical Touch Love Language
It might seem self-explanatory, but people whose love language is not physical touch may not know what to do for their partners to feel loved and special. Though sometimes annoying and frustrating, communicating your needs and expectations to your partner will help you avoid miscommunication and resentment.
It's good to note that physical affection can be intimate and non-intimate, so it’s important to let your partner know what you prefer.
Here are examples of intimate and non-intimate physical expressions of love.
Intimate Touch
Sex is the highest form of intimate expression of love, but there are other ways to get intimate without ending up under the sheets, including:
- Kissing
- Massage
- Hugging
- Cuddling
- Caressing your partner's leg
- Skin-to-skin touches
- Getting so close to your partner
- Sleeping against each other
Non-intimate Touches
On those days when you cannot be intimate with your partner, say, the location is not ideal, kids are around, or you don't have much time, you can still show physical affection through non-intimate touches such as:
- Tickling
- A back scratch or shoulder rub
- Sitting close to each other
- Kissing your partner's forehead, hand, cheek, or arm
- Rubbing your partner's arm or head
- Rubbing feet together under the table
- Brushing your partner's hair behind their ears or out of their face
- Resting your head on their shoulders
- Giving your partner a squeeze or gentle touch when you walk past each other.
Physical Touch in Long-distance Relationships
Physical touch seems the best way to express love, but what if you're in a long-distance relationship? For a person whose love language is physical touch, long-distance relationships present new challenges that you must circumvent to nurture the relationship.
Video chats will come in handy for long-distance couples to express affection since kissing, hand-holding, and cuddling are not options. Remember to use the correct body language to express your feelings and convey the right message to your partner. A wink or smile will go a long way when on video chat. Physical gestures such as giving air hugs or blowing kisses will help, too.
Make sure you plan your video date in advance and choose a quiet place for the video chat to ensure you give each other quality time and undivided attention. Maintain eye contact throughout the conversation to show that you're interested. A video date can also include eating dinner together, playing a game, listening to music, or having drinks.
Other ways to show love through physical touch in long-distance relationships include:
-
Gifting your partner personal items that smell like you (perfume, lotion, cologne, and shampoo).
- Gifting your partner a huge stuffed animal or body pillow for sleeping or snuggling.
- Treating your partner to a manicure, pedicure, or massage.
- Gifting your partner something that will remind them of you, like a piece of clothing, a coffee mug, or a weighted blanket.
Relationship Challenges for People with the Physical Touch Love Language
Out of the five love languages, in the framework of expressing love and feeling loved, the physical touch love language is the one that is most connected to romantic relationships.
For instance, you can receive gifts from your friends or other family members, but you will not be touched by them the same way your partner would touch you. In the workplace, people with love languages other than physical touch may find it easier to feel valued and appreciated.
This is not to say that if your love language is physical touch that your style does not come into play in your interactions with others, because it does. However, in terms of romantic love, the physical touch love language can only be met by your partner, not other people.
This means a partner with lower physical touch needs in romantic relationships is likely to minimize physical affection, including kissing, cuddling, or sex, leaving the other partner with nowhere to turn to.
If your language of love is physical touch, and your partner keeps ignoring your need for physical affection, you might start feeling lonely and unloved. Unfortunately, you cannot receive the same physical contact from somewhere else without being accused of cheating.
People with a physical touch love language may appear needy and clingy. They may scare away their partners who don't understand this love language. They may also be seen as having insecure attachment issues.
The problem is made worse if you have a personality that is deeply rooted in the fear of being unwanted, unloved, and unworthy of love because then you’d believe that your partner doesn’t love you anymore
Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language is a Two-Way Street
Not knowing how to communicate or express love can cause a lot of stress and strain in a relationship. Learning your and your partner's love language will go a long way toward strengthening the bond and improving relationship quality.
When someone's primary love language is physical touch, they associate physical affection with love in romantic and other close relationships. For instance, a parent hugging their child indicates the love they share. Therefore, if the child refuses to embrace them back, the parent may feel hurt and think that the child doesn't love them.
While it may sound black and white, expressing love through physical touch can be confusing since everyone has their preferences (and it’s not always connected to their love language). It pays to have an open discussion about your expectations of how you want to receive love and feel connected to your partner.
If your partner's love language is physical touch, always follow their non-verbal cues to see the level of physical intimacy they prefer. If they withdraw from the touch or look uncomfortable, it's time to stop. Also, check the environment. While some people may enjoy physical touch in private places, they may feel awkward engaging in public displays of affection. For example, an introvert with the physical touch language of love may shy away from PDAs.
Ultimately, it is vital for both partners to always have open communication on how they want to be treated. A relationship coach can help you do this effectively. You can also seek help from a mental health professional who will help you deal with any trauma issues that could be affecting your relationship and help you set your relationship goals.
Do keep in mind that understanding love languages isn’t just about knowing your own.
Healthy romantic relationships involve two people, which means you need to know how to speak your partner’s language of love, too! It’s easy if your partner also has physical touch as their love language, but what if they "speak" Acts of Service? How about Quality Time?
Perhaps they need Words of Affirmation to feel loved. Or does Receiving Gifts show you value them?
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