We’ve been conditioned to believe that if we buy our partners flowers, tell them the most romantic words, and give them elaborate gifts, they will fall head over heels in love with us. But what if they don’t completely respond to these gestures because they speak a different love language?
If you have to explain the motive behind your elaborate gesture or how much trouble you went through when getting something for them before they recognize the significance of what you did, you may not be “communicating” your appreciation in a way that truly conveys your intentions. This can happen when you speak a different love language to what they understand. Why go through so much trouble doing what you believe is best for them when you can achieve better results by doing what they want?
If your partner's love language is Acts of Service, they primarily favor actions over words.
Your romantic words may have their uses but won’t sweep your partner off their feet. Do you know what might? Nursing them when they are sick, taking care of the kids to give your partner a day to themselves, surprising them with breakfast in bed, attending an event they care about, helping them with tasks, planning a weekend getaway, etc.
Do you think your partner's love language is Acts of Service?
This article will teach you the telltale signs of the Acts of Service Love Language, ways to show love in a way they understand, practical things you can implement, and the most popular misconceptions about this language of love.
Before diving in, you may want to read this article if you are new to love languages.
What Is the Acts of Service Love Language?
The Acts of Service love language is a physical expression of love, appreciation, and affection by doing thoughtful things you know your partner would appreciate. Dr. Gary Chapman explained Acts of Service and other love languages such as Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gift-giving, and Physical Touch in his book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts.
The average person loves being supported and assisted, but someone whose love language is Acts of Service gives as much as they receive, sometimes even more. They prioritize visible action over abstract words, and their statements usually highlight their desire to help and support their partner.
The following comments are common among people who express love through Acts of Service.
- Let me help you with that.
- I took care of that for you.
- I thought you might like this.
- I’ll handle it so you can relax.
- Thank you for helping me with this.
- I enjoy doing things for you.
- Let’s work on this together.
- I remember you mentioned this, so I got it for you.*
- I made your favorite meal.
- I’m here to support you in any way I can.
- You can count on me.
- Don’t worry, I’ve got this.
* In cases where an act of service involves giving a gift, it has a different meaning for your partner than someone who has “receiving gifts” as their love language. It’s often the ACTION of getting the gift that is significant — they heard you mention an item, so they want to help get it for you. Or they pick up items they know you can really use; practical gifts are more likely than sentimental ones.
When "returning the favor," a gift is more meaningful for them when you choose things specifically to make their lives easier. If you get something they need or have always wanted, it’s your way of saying, “I picked this up for you so you didn’t have to; I know how hard you work, so I wanted to save you time.”
Do keep in mind that languages of love go beyond romantic partnerships. They also apply with our family and children, friends and acquaintances, and work colleagues.
How to Tell If Your Partner’s Love Language Is Acts of Service
Figuring out if your partner’s love language is Acts of Service may require you to think deeply and observe keenly. You may need to ask yourself, “How does my partner express love?” Or, “What are the things my partner complains about?”
Sometimes, you must ask them direct questions like:
- “What do you value in a relationship?”
- “What are some moments you felt I expressed love to you best?."
- “What have I done or said that made you feel most appreciated."
We all want to feel appreciation in relationships, but when people have Acts of Service as their love language, it is easy for them to feel taken for granted. These people go out of their way for others and feel truly loved when their efforts are acknowledged. Don’t mistake this for “needing credit” for an ego boost. A few kind words of gratitude will mean everything to them.
If your partner feels most loved and valued when you go out of your way to help them complete a task, then their love language is probably Acts of Service. They don’t just love having things done for them; they also enjoy doing it for others to show love. Unless your partner actively tries to speak a different love language, they will always favor actions to show you that they love, cherish, and care for you.
Here are seven telltale signs that your partner’s love language is Acts of Service.
1. They love doing things for you
Your partner doesn’t mind going out of their way to help you with tasks without being asked. They believe that the best way to show love is to assist you in making your life easier. They run errands willingly, assist with your chores, and take on tasks on your to-do list to ease your burden.
2. They complain when you don’t help with tasks.
In every relationship, a shared division of labor is good advice. However, for someone with Acts of Service as a love language, not taking on a fair share of responsibility is interpreted as a sign of how you feel about them. “If you really loved me, you would help me with the chores.”
Your partner may not ask for your help very often to avoid being a burden, but they complain that you don’t help with tasks. They want you to help but prefer you do it without being asked.
3. They notice and appreciate things you do for them.
When you put in extra effort to assist your partner, they notice and appreciate your Acts of Service and will say so. The effort may seem negligible to you, but your partner appreciates it more than you can imagine, and they usually try to reciprocate with more energy.
4. They want you to "put your money where your mouth is."
Figuratively speaking, that is! It’s not about money — but backing up your words with action. Don't just wax lyrical about how much you love your partner; they want you to show it. Nothing says “I love you” like someone who goes out of their way to do thoughtful things that brighten their partner’s day.
5. Your Acts of Service live long in their memory.
They randomly recall the things you’ve done for them in the past, long after it happened. They use these acts to describe how much you love and care for them and refer to them when they want to tell you the things they love about the relationship.
6. Your Acts of Service relieve their stress.
Your Acts of Service are crucial to their emotional well-being. They may be having a rough day, but suddenly cheer up and look alive again just because you already cared for the kids and tucked them in bed by the time they got home.
7. They encourage teamwork in their relationship.
Your partner loves working as part of a team in all their relationships. They believe a shared problem is half solved, so they often provide support and encourage you to do the same.
How to Show Love to Your Partner through Acts of Service
Showing love to your partner through Acts of Service isn’t as straightforward as you might think. Some people understand it as just doing your partner's chores or running errands. But don’t be surprised that those actions — if not well-considered or planned — may not be as well-received as you would like.
Acts of Service are not only about checking tasks off your partner's to-do list. You should know when and where to help. In the following sections, we will discuss how to ensure that your Acts of Service are meaningful to your partner and suggest practical tips — simple and grand — that you can implement in your relationship, whether it is still in the early stages or has stood the test of time.
Ensure What You Do Is Meaningful to Your Partner
If you’ve been performing Acts of Service for your partner but notice that they are not reacting as well as you want, you may be doing them “wrong.” Or at least not in a way that shows your significant other how much you appreciate and care for them in a way they understand.
Here are tips to ensure your Acts of Service are meaningful to your partner.
- Anticipate their needs. Your partner has an important business meeting or job interview, and your weather app tells you it will rain. Something as simple as packing an umbrella or a raincoat can save your partner from getting drenched. The same principle also applies to packing a snack when you know they have a long seminar to attend.
- Observe them keenly. Study your partner to know what they need and what is currently causing them stress. Observe what they regularly complain about. Study how they react when you do things for them. Observe what they do in their relationships with friends and family. Most times, they give love the way they want to receive it.
- Communicate. Good communication in relationships is essential. You can’t learn everything about your partner by observing them. Sometimes, you have to ask them what they want. Perhaps they will prefer to do some tasks themselves because they love them done a certain way. Doing these tasks for them may not earn you the appreciation you were hoping for. Sometimes, the thought behind the action alone isn’t enough.
- Encourage them to ask for help. .Your partner may feel reluctant to ask for your help because they fear burdening you with responsibilities. It is common in early relationships where your partner wants to avoid coming on too strong. You should always put their mind at ease and encourage them to ask when they need your help.
- Fulfill your commitments willingly. .When you commit to helping your partner on a task, ensure you follow through at the right time and with the right attitude. Why moan, groan, or complain if you’re going to do the task anyway? You may as well fulfill your commitments to them with a smile to increase their love for you and show them they can rely on you.
Simple Acts of Service Your Partner Will Appreciate
Although romantic movies and novels will make us believe we need grand gestures to show our partners how much they mean to us, it is often the simple, thoughtful acts of love that strengthen the bonds of our relationships.
We’ve suggested different tips for early and long-term relationships because some Acts of Service may be deemed crossing personal boundaries if you’ve just started dating. An example is cleaning your partner’s room. Unless you have been asked, this type of "surprise help" should wait until you become comfortable with each other. Not only do you risk stumbling on private things, but such an action might be taken as a form of judgment. Instead of seeing your desire to help, they may think the way they “keep house” is not good enough for you.
New Relationships
If your relationship is in its early stages, here are some simple, practical tips you can implement in your daily schedule to show love to your partner.
- Attend an event they care about.
- Take care of their pets when they are busy or out of town.
- Water their plants.
- Pick up their clothes at the dry cleaners.
- Help them troubleshoot computer problems.
- Offer to pick up items they need when grocery shopping.
- Assist with household chores like doing the dishes, laundry, etc.
- Create a handmade gift that shows you care.
- Take their car for a wash.
- Get their favorite morning beverage and snacks.
- Take them on a date to their favorite restaurant.
- Offer to drive them or pick them up from work.
- Have their favorite pizza or food delivered to them after a long day at work.
- Bring them lunch at work.
- Pick your partner up or drop them off at the airport.
- Organize a picnic.
- Set up a home movie night with their favorite snacks.
Well-Established Relationships
If you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage, here are some simple, practical tips you can implement in your daily schedule to show love to your partner.
- Surprise them with breakfast in bed.
- Leave short romantic notes for them in unexpected places (this works great for people with Words of Affirmation as their love language, too).
- Take care of the kids and tuck them in bed when your partner works late.
- Run their towel through the dryer before they get out of the shower.
- Take the kids out of the house to give your partner some much-needed rest.
- Get up early, make breakfast, and entertain the kids, allowing your partner to sleep in.
- Take the dog out for a walk.
- Unpack your partner’s suitcase after a long trip.
- Go grocery shopping and buy them their favorite snacks.
- Make the bed with clean sheets.
- Nurse them when they are sick.
- Take out the trash.
- Record their favorite show and watch it together.
- Clean the house.
- Brew their early morning coffee.
- Pack an umbrella for them when you suspect it will rain.
- Plan a surprise date night.
- Book a massage to help them relieve stress.
- Pack lunch for them.
- Iron your partner’s clothes.
- Fill up their gas tank.
- Mow the lawn.
Grand Gestures for Special Occasions
Grand gestures deliver mind-blowing results when they align with your partner's values and desires. You must consider their preferences and find out the actions that they feel are most meaningful.
If your relationship is in its early stages, here are some grand Acts of Service you can implement on special occasions to show love to your partner.
- Plan a weekend getaway to a romantic destination*.
- Prepare an elaborate home-cooked meal from their favorite cuisine.
- Offer to help with a career-related project.
- Surprise them with tickets to their favorite event.
- Learn a hobby they enjoy so that you can do it together.
- Book a fun art or cooking class for the two of you.
- Plan an adventurous date with activities like rock climbing, hot air balloon flight, kayaking, etc.
- Organize a scavenger hunt and invite your partner’s friends.
- Arrange a movie marathon.
*A romantic getaway (or any other activity you do with your partner) can also be considered an example of spending quality time, but when you say, “I know how hard you have been working [or how much you have done for me], I knew you would really appreciate a chance to get away from it all," you will rock the world of a person with Acts of Service as their primary love language.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, here are some grand Acts of Service you can implement on special occasions to show love to your partner.
- Create a scrapbook filled with memories of your time together.
- Take on a home renovation project to improve your home.
- Organize a surprise party with their friends and family.
- Plan a weekend retreat to a cottage by the sea or a cabin in the woods.
- Volunteer together at a cause they are passionate about.
- Plan a vow renewal ceremony.
- Help them with work-related projects or invest in their professional development.
- Plan a surprise vacation to their dream destination.
- Book a weekend at the spa resort.
- Plan summer camp or holiday for the kids to give your partner a well-deserved break.
- Get them a signed copy of a souvenir from their favorite celebrity.
- Help them check items off their bucket list.
Need ideas for the perfect gift for someone with the Acts of Service language of love? Read this!
Common Misconceptions about the Acts of Service Love Language
The Acts of Service love language aims to improve relationships and strengthen the bond between partners by selflessly performing helpful actions to make their lives easier. However, it’s common for people to misconstrue the intentions behind this love language.
Let's help you debunk some popular misconceptions about the Acts of Service love language.
Myth: The Biggest Acts Are the Most Meaningful
The scale of a task doesn’t determine how well your partner appreciates it. Communicate with your partner or observe them keenly to know the specific acts that mean the most to them. Sometimes, it’s the thoughtful little things that make your partner’s day.
Myth: The Acts of Service Love Language Is Not Romantic
Some people believe Acts of Service can't be romantic because it involves chores and tasks. However, acts of kindness create a sense of intimacy and connection in the relationship when done right.
Myth: It’s Just a Way to Delegate Unwanted Tasks or Chores
Some people wrongly believe that if your partner’s love language is Acts of Service, you must become their servant and cater to their every need, or they can dump all their unwanted chores on you. Yes, it may sometimes require you to help your partner with their tasks, but there is so much more to this language of love.
Many actions fall under Acts of Service that show love, compassion, thoughtfulness, and care. Most times, it’s not about the task itself. Your partner is usually more impressed by your willingness to go out of your way to make their lives more enjoyable.
Myth: Acts of Service Require Perfection
Perhaps your partner usually takes care of the kids and household chores most of the time. Giving them a well-deserved day off is a great way to show them affection. You may think you must do everything as perfectly as they do, or they won't appreciate the gesture.
But if you don’t get to folding the laundry and there are still some dirty dishes in the sink, it’s okay! In reality, your partner is more likely to appreciate the thoughtfulness and effort behind your act instead of obsessing over whether you did it flawlessly.
Myth: It Is a Gender-Specific Love Language
Sometimes, people find it hard to look beyond historically assigned gender roles when performing Acts of Service. Many cultures see men as primary providers who should handle physically demanding tasks, while caregiving and homemaking roles are usually associated with women. But the Acts of Service love language is not tied to gender.
Each couple defines what works best for them in relationships, but when giving Acts of Service, don’t limit them to traditional roles alone. Being a man shouldn't prevent you from caring for the kids, preparing meals, and assisting your partner. And gone are the days when only men were in charge of paying the bills and fixing things around the house.
What If Your Love Language Isn’t Acts of Service?
If your love language isn’t Acts of Services, it might be difficult to implement these suggestions consistently. For example, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service can be viewed as “opposites” because one is about talk, and the other is about action.
But even with a different love language, you can still make your relationship thrive if you're willing to put in the effort. What act of service is greater than doing things that are unnatural to you to make your partner's life easier?
Love languages may be important in relationships but aren’t the be-all and end-all. Qualities like personality type, love, trust, honesty, compassion, communication, and mutual respect are as important as love language in relationships.
Knowing your personality type – whether MBTI or the Big Five – can help you determine your personal relationship preferences, resolve relationship conflicts, find a compatible partner, communicate, and understand your partner better.
The Enneagram can also provide insight into how to best show care to your significant other.
If you are still not sure whether your partner speaks the language of Acts of Service, these articles may help you figure out their true language of love: Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch.
Learn More about Love Languages
