You often hear that we do not pick our family. We have minimal control over who our coworkers will be. But we choose one of the most essential elements of our social environment — our friends. Maybe even more importantly, we can decide how to show appreciation in friendships.
When we express care and affection in a way that hits the right cord with our friends, the relationship can grow into one of the most meaningful aspects of our lives.
As this article will explain, not everyone experiences love equally. We speak different love languages. Gary Chapman's work is easily translated into languages of appreciation we nurture for our friends.
When you understand the different languages of love that people speak, you will be better able to show your friends you appreciate them — and have them REALLY believe it. And, of course, this article is chock full of tips on how to say, "Thank you for being a friend," in all five languages!
By the way, you can also apply this information to your relationships with family and romantic partners!
We also have an article about love languages in the workplace if you want to learn how to recognize employees, express gratitude to co-workers, and show appreciation to team members — in ways that make them feel like truly valued employees.
Related: Surefire Ways to Build Meaningful and Healthy Friendships as an Adult
What Can Love Languages Bring to a Friendship?
Over 30 years ago, Gary Chapman published his model of how people experienced love in romantic relationships. He observed five modalities of showing appreciation and care:
Exploring which love language you speak with BrainManager’s free test will give you insight into more than how you are when in love.
It will also reveal how you understand, give, and receive appreciation and show care in other significant relationships—friendships, for example. Take the test with your friends and learn how to communicate love and care to each other effectively. And why is this so important?
Why Are Quality Friendships So Important?
It would be difficult to overemphasize the significance of quality friendships. A good friend is a vital contributor to our mental health. They are a gift we should be grateful for. Friendships help us in day-to-day situations as well as in crises, such as when a loved one is going through depression.
Research shows that supportive and appreciative friends enhance our ability to experience positive emotions. The study determined that this effect is present on a daily basis. However, it is particularly pronounced in times of crises and conflicts. Friends help you stay calm and overcome hurdles more easily.
According to another piece of research, apart from our family, friends play a vital role in forming our identities.
More precisely, if we are lonely, we tend to form identities associated with weak commitments, believing things are out of our control, impulsiveness, and self-handicapping viewpoints.
On the other side, if we have a supportive friend who we love and who is showing appreciation to us, we will likely develop positive identities associated with well-being.
Such findings underline the importance of showing appreciation to your friends the right way. Here is how to show your friends how much you value and cherish them using Chapman’s love languages.
How to Show Appreciation to a Friend Using Five Love Languages
Honoring someone’s feelings is the hallmark of quality friendships.
How does this translate to our relationships on a day-to-day basis? We know you value your friend, feel thankfulness for their appreciation of you, and admire their strengths. But are you showing it in a way that truly resonates with their love language?
For example, your friend has Words of Affection as their primary love language. At the same time, you prefer Physical Touch. As it happens, your friend helped you resolve an issue troubling you for a long time.
So, you want to show how much you appreciate your friend being there for you.
You hug them or give a heartfelt pat on the back, believing they will feel gratitude from your touch. They, conversely, expect to hear what they did right and what you are thinking about their assistance. Even though you are both emotionally invested, a break in communicating appreciation might easily happen. Instead of feeling appreciated, your friend might feel taken for granted because you didn't "speak their language of love."
Such misunderstandings could temper the quality of your friendships. This is why it is essential to understand the other person’s love language — and learn how to speak it to express appreciation in a meaningful way.
Here is how to do so in each of the five love languages.
Do keep in mind that these ways to show appreciation for your friends are good for any personality type.
But your friend may appreciate some ideas more than others, depending on what language of love they speak!
Leverage Words of Affection to Show Appreciation
When your friend has Words of Affection as their primary love language, they will need to hear how much you appreciate them out loud.
Before we move on to practical ideas on how to show appreciation for your friend with affectionate words, we should mention that research shows cultural differences in how much someone uses words to express affection. One study revealed that Americans use more verbal displays of appreciation than Chinese people, who put greater value on indirect, nonverbal methods to communicate affection.
Keep that in mind when your friend is a person from another culture than your own. Realize that you may not expect the same behavior and adjust your approach to respect their ways.
Here is how you could show you recognize your friends’ value with Words of Affection:
Compliment Them
People who value verbal expressions of appreciation will respond well to sincere compliments.
You will make your friend feel appreciated if you say: "You look great!". But an even more specific compliment, like: "You look effortlessly beautiful today. The beauty of your soul is visible on your face", will surely put a smile on their face.
Write an Appreciation Note, Give Public Praise on Social Media, or Send an E-Card
Your friend whose love language is Words of Affection will be grateful for any form of appreciation put into writing. So, you can write a whole-hearted appreciation note or send a customized e-card for their eyes only.
Alternatively, you can mention your friend on social media or share your praise with your "in-person" friend group. Public recognition is welcomed among people with this love language.
Leave Post-it Notes
This idea builds on the previous one. An original way to employ Words of Affection is by writing and leaving post-it notes expressing your appreciation around their home, workplace, or car. Imagine your friend's surprise and joy when they suddenly discover a simple note of praise and care.
Write a List of the Top 10 Things You Love About Them
A wonderful way to show appreciation for your friend is to list the top ten things you love about them. Like compliment-giving, “You’re a great friend!” will be a great way to express how much you cherish them, but if you go into specific details, they will feel that much more loved.
Check-in During the Day
People who prefer words for showing appreciation will also interpret frequent check-ins as a sign of care. Ask how their work progresses, talk about something that reminded you of them, and ask what their plans are for the rest of the day.
Want to know if your romantic partner “speaks” Words of Affirmation? Check out this member’s article!
Ways to Show Appreciation Using Acts of Service
When someone speaks the language of Acts of Service to experience love, they recognize affection through help coming their way. They give love by being of assistance and thinking of the next thoughtful gesture they could make.
These are some practical ways to show appreciation using this love language:
Think of Ways to Unwind Together
Let us be honest — stress is our constant companion. For example, you could work in a toxic workplace with disrespectful co-workers. But who better to help defuse stress than one's BFF? Make your friend's life easier. Create a list of all the fun and relaxing activities you and your friend (but mostly your friend) will enjoy, and go through that list after hard days.
Try to Help Your Friend Solve Their Problems
Close friends are there for each other through thick and thin. When your friend faces a problem, they will feel most loved and appreciated when you think of ways to help them get to the other side. It may be providing emotional support, connecting them with the right people, or taking the bull by its horns in any way.
Make a Friend Feel Appreciated by Offering to Return a Favor
A person whose love language is Acts of Service will likely give affection by helping others. Therefore, you will have plenty of opportunities to return the favor. This will show that you recognize the love given to you earlier and share the emotion.
Want to know if your romantic partner “speaks” Acts of Service? Check out this member’s article!
Show Your Appreciation to a Friend with Quality Time
The quality time love language means to create and share wonderful moments with the person we care about. Whether these are simple life pleasures, like watching TV on a sofa, or life-altering experiences like traveling the world together, the quality of the time spent together counts.
Paying attention to one another is the supreme display of appreciation for someone who likes to spend time in meaningful activities with the person they love.
If this is your friend, here are some examples of how to show your appreciation:
Take an Interest in Their Interests
Suppose you want to spend quality time with your friends and let them know they are appreciated. In that case, you might want to show interest in things they find important or interesting. It is a sure way of showing you recognize their individuality and honor their pursuits.
Listen Empathetically
Your friends will see you appreciate them when you listen with focus and empathy. Show genuine interest in them. The quality of the conversation is what counts, rather than how much time or how often talks occur. Make eye contact, listen actively, and make them feel heard. You can also employ the golden 43:57 rule of effective communication.
Ask: “Is This a Good Time to Talk?”
To a friend with this love language, the quality of a relationship will be apparent if you ask whether the timing for a conversation is right. These people expect all distractions to be removed for a quality exchange of opinions, so respecting it from your end will go to great lengths.
Watch Your Friend's Favorite Television Show or Movie Together
Watching TV is only one example of things you can do to spend meaningful time with your friend (bring your friend's favorite candy or snacks to make it extra special). With some streaming services, you can do "watch parties" when you can't be in the same physical space. Share those simple pleasures with your friend, but also think about new and exciting things you can experience and remember together.
Talk About a Significant Event That Occurred During That Week
Recognizing the quality moments you shared during the week and reviewing them again can show your friend you appreciate your time together. One fun way to do so is to create a weekly tradition. On Sundays, for example, go to your favorite coffee shop or restaurant, order your favorite foods and drinks, and reminisce about the highlights of the week.
Want to know if your romantic partner “speaks” Quality Time? Check out this member’s article!
Show Your Appreciation to Your Friend with Receiving Gifts
When your friend’s primary love language is Receiving Gifts, they recognize your affection in the tokens of appreciation you give them. The gift does not need to be grand. It is the gesture and thoughtfulness that counts.
Here are a few examples of how to communicate appreciation by speaking the language of Receiving Gifts:
Recommend an Article You Know They Would Find Fascinating
A gift for someone whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts does not need to be bought. It simply needs to show you know and appreciate them. Therefore, if you come across an article or a post you know they would find informative, fun, or valuable for their career development, share it with them. The same goes for an online course you could recommend or present as a small gift. Extra credit if it's a class you can take together!
Gift Them a Plant or Flowers to Brighten Their Day
Flowers are a traditional gift to show you were thinking about someone — and not only to wish them a happy birthday. A potted plant might be an even better present because your friend will feel cherished whenever they water or take care of it. A simple bouquet of wildflowers picked from the roadside "just because" they made you think of them will also have a powerful impact.
Remember Them on Journeys
If your friend experiences love through gift-giving, they might feel hurt if you forget to bring a souvenir from a trip you went on. You receive additional points for a thoughtful gift that speaks to your friend’s unique interests or taste (as opposed to a generic magnet or a card).
Celebrate Significant Events with a Keepsake
People with this love language as their mode of receiving love value gifts as tangible memorabilia of special events and emotions. Therefore, if you want them to feel appreciated, mark special occasions or events with mementos. An original example is to create a memory book or a photo album of all the fun you had at college (given at the graduation), shared vacation, or any other shared experience.
Want to know if your romantic partner “speaks” Receiving Gifts? Check out this member’s article!
Show Appreciation with Physical Touch
Appreciation and gratitude can be expressed with few words — or none at all.
Some people are all about physical contact. They often touch your hand or shoulder when they talk about something that happened to them. They give hugs and kisses and like to hold hands. Such a person will lean on you when laughing or offer to give you a massage when you have a stressful day.
Do you recognize your friend in this description? Here is how to show appreciation to them by speaking their love language, Physical Touch.
Be Close to Your Friend as a Way to Show Appreciation
There are many ways to show affection through physical closeness. Whatever you do, if you want to speak to your friend who prefers Physical Touch as a language of love, be close to them. Stand next to them, take them under the arm when walking, or sit back-to-back on the grass in the park.
Greet With Touch
Your friend will appreciate it if you establish a greeting that involves physical touch. It can be a peck on the cheek, a hug, shaking hands, or a pat on the back. Pick the one that feels natural for you.
Explore Different Ways to Show Physical Affection
Your friend might be a fan of physical touch, while you do not feel as tactile. If you still want to speak their language of love and show you appreciate them, you can go one of two ways. Explore different options for physical closeness (such as hugs, shaking hands, messing up their hair playfully, high-fives, making their hair or doing their makeup, roughhousing).
Still too much? Consider alternatives if you are uncomfortable with touch.
For example, you can express the intention behind a physical touch without the action itself. You could say: “You’re so great, I could hug you like a teddy bear!” Your friend will understand that you are finding a compromise between your and their preferences and appreciate the effort.
Want to know if your romantic partner “speaks” Physical Touch? Check out this member’s article!
How to Show Appreciation to Friends Regardless of Love Languages
The tips we gave you in this article focused on the differences in how people experience and expect to receive love and care. However, there are also elements of healthy relationships that should be implemented no matter the nature of one’s approach to affection-giving. For example, people with different Enneagram types have different things that make them feel cared for.
Showing appreciation is a pillar of every respectful relationship. Regardless of a person’s love language, certain universal rules of respect and appreciation apply across the board.
Here is how to be a good friend in every situation:
Respect Boundaries
As close as two friends can be, they are their own individuals. That means you should always abide by each other’s boundaries. To avoid misunderstandings, communicate them clearly. State yours and ask about theirs.
Be Consistently Kind, Patient, and Gracious
A friend is there for the other regardless of what is going on in their lives. Be a good friend and be consistently caring. Show patience and kindness in good times and bad. Random acts of kindness interlaced with overall unreliableness do not constitute quality friendship.
Be Honest and Loyal
Every relationship requires honesty and open communication to thrive. Without truthfulness, there cannot be a friendship. If you lie to someone, they will undoubtedly feel unappreciated, no matter what their love language. Therefore, be a loyal friend and show that you are a reliable beacon of support and appreciation.
Acknowledge When You Were Wrong
Everyone can make a mistake. It is important to recognize other people's feelings and try to mend the damage our wrongdoings might have caused. What sets quality friendships apart is acknowledging one's wrongs and growing from errors. Express gratitude for your friend’s forgiveness, too.
Friendship is About Showing Appreciation the Right Way
Having a reliable, loving friend can make your life beautiful in so many ways. Friends are often as important to us as our family is. They will be the person you go to when you need someone to listen with empathy to your ordeals.
If you need advice, your friend will probably be the first person you ask. And when you are in the mood for good times — be it a peaceful movie night or a wild party — your friends are there to share the memories with you.
What else would spark a sense of gratitude if not having such a person in our lives?
For these reasons, it is worth finding perfect ways to show appreciation and gratefulness for their presence in your life. Find out what your love language is and deepen your friendships. Understanding love languages will pave the way for more meaningful relationships with your friends.
Use the knowledge to celebrate the person who has got your back through thick and thin!
