Picture this: You're walking down the street, and you see a homeless person asking for spare change. You pause for a second, unsure of what to do. Then, someone comes along and gives the person some money before continuing on their way.
In this scenario, would you say that person was nice or kind? And what about the person who didn't give anything? The answer may not be as obvious as you may think, because it depends on intention.
In everyday conversations, "nice" and "kind" are often used interchangeably. But we may not realize, though, that these two words are not the same. There is a distinct difference between being nice and being kind, and this difference goes beyond simple word choice.
So is it better to be a nice or a kind person? And what does each word truly mean, and what is the difference between them?
In this piece, we will delve into the differences between being nice and being kind. We will also explore the concepts of goodness and friendliness, as they are often lumped together with nice and kind but have their own distinct qualities.
We'll also provide examples of what we typically mean when we label someone as nice, kind, good, or friendly.
Related: The Hidden Costs of People Pleasing
Nice Vs. Kind: What's the Difference Between a Nice Person and a Kind Person?
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, nice is defined as "pleasing and agreeable in nature." Kind, on the other hand, is defined as "having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others."
At first glance, these definitions may seem similar, but upon closer inspection, we can see that they have key differences.
Being nice is often seen as a surface-level trait resulting from social conditioning of how we should act. It's about being polite, courteous, and agreeable in social interactions. A nice person is considered a cheerful and well-mannered person who always says friendly things to others. Sometimes, the word nice may also be used to say that someone is harmless or unthreatening.
While there is nothing wrong with being nice, it might feel less authentic and rewarding than being kind. Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming book, The Joy of Imperfect Love, explains that "If you're people pleasing, you're placing an expectation on the person you're being nice to that they respond to you in a certain way."
In other words, niceness could be seen as putting on a façade to make others feel comfortable or gain their approval—but it doesn't change the status quo. Thinking about it this way, being nice can be used as a "social strategy to get into someone’s good graces." Take an example of the last time you complimented someone's outfit (which is nice), but you didn't mean it. Did you do it because you genuinely wanted to make them feel good, or did you do it to gain approval?
On the other hand, being kind is less self-serving and goes beyond just surface-level interactions. Kindness is a genuine desire to help others without expecting anything in return. It comes from a place of empathy and compassion towards others. A kind person will go out of their way to lend a helping hand or show support to someone in need, even if it means sacrificing their own needs.
In short, being nice is not the same as being kind. The difference between them is the intentionality behind the actions. That's why practicing true kindness rather than niceness can be more fulfilling and sincere, especially when it comes to creating meaningful relationships.
Examples of Being Nice versus Kind
To better understand the difference, let's look at some good deeds that can be classified as nice or kind:
Holding the Door Open for Someone:
- Nice - You hold the door open because it's considered polite and courteous to do so in most social situations.
- Kind - You hold the door open because you genuinely want to make it easier for the person behind you to enter.
Complimenting Someone’s Haircut:
- Nice - You give a compliment not because you genuinely like the haircut but because you want to be perceived as a nice person.
- Kind - You give a compliment because you genuinely like the haircut and want to make the other person feel good about themselves.
Donating to a Charity:
- Nice - You donate publicly, mainly for others to see and think highly of you.
- Kind - You donate privately without seeking recognition because you genuinely want to help those in need.
Giving Constructive Criticism:
- Nice - You sugarcoat your words because you fear hurting the other person's feelings, even if it means not being completely honest.
- Kind - You give feedback with empathy and understanding without compromising on honesty because you genuinely want to help the other person improve.
Good Vs. Friendly: How Do They Fit In?
Isn't being a nice person the same as being a good person? What about being friendly? Aren't all these just different ways of saying the same thing?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but no. Nice, kind, good, and friendly are all separate concepts with their own unique meanings. They may overlap at times, but they still have distinct qualities that set them apart from each other.
Let's start with good. The word good refers to moral excellence or virtuousness. A good person is someone who displays positive traits such as honesty, integrity, and righteousness. They strive to do the right thing and abide by moral principles.
On the other hand, being friendly means being sociable or pleasant in a casual way. A friendly person is someone who is warm, approachable, and easy to talk to. They make others feel comfortable and at ease in their presence.
So how are these two different from nice or kind?
While being nice and kind are more about actions and behaviors towards others, being good or friendly is more about one's character. Being a good person means having a strong moral compass, while being friendly means having an amiable and likable personality.
Confusing, right? Let's unravel the puzzle with an example.
Imagine you are working on a group project, and one of your teammates is struggling. A nice person would offer some words of encouragement, but a kind person would sit down and help their teammate understand the task better. A good person would make sure everyone in the group gets credit for their contributions, while a friendly person would make sure the group dynamic is positive and everyone gets along.
As we can see, being nice and kind are actions that align with good or friendly character traits. However, one can possess good or friendly qualities without necessarily being nice or kind.
Making the Choice: Should You Be Kind and Good, or Nice and Friendly?
Of course, this is not to say that being nice or friendly is a negative thing (but there is such a thing as being too nice).
Being nice and friendly can be a form of social lubricant, helping to create a pleasant atmosphere and smoother human interactions, leading to a more fulfilling life. These traits are essential social skills that help in various situations, such as when meeting someone for the first time.
And being nice and friendly is far better than being mean, rude, or hostile.
However, even though being kind and good may be harder and uncomfortable because it involves elements of sincerity and selflessness, demonstrating these behaviors will help create meaningful relationships and overall well-being in the long run. It also sets a higher standard for your interactions, making them more meaningful and fulfilling.
Ultimately, the choice between being nice or kind boils down to what you value more in life—instant gratification or genuine connections. To further understand these distinctions and the difference between kindness and niceness, let's address some common questions:
Can you be kind without being nice? Yes, you can be kind without being nice and vice versa. Being nice is often seen as a superficial and surface-level behavior, while an act of kindness comes from a deeper place of empathy and compassion towards others. For example, many MBTI types like INFJs and ENFJs, known for being helpers and caregivers, often display genuine kindness by going out of their way to support others, even if it means making personal sacrifices.
Does being kind mean being friendly? Not necessarily. Kindness is more about showing empathy and understanding towards others, while being friendly is about having a pleasant and approachable personality. While they can overlap, they are not the same.
Is there a difference between good and nice? Yes, being good refers to one's moral character and actions, while being nice is more about socially acceptable behaviors. Goodness involves integrity and ethical behavior, whereas niceness is about pleasing others.
Which is better, being a nice person or a kind person? When comparing being a nice person to being a kind person, kindness is generally better. While being nice often focuses on pleasing others and maintaining social harmony, being kind involves genuine empathy and a desire to help others, even if it requires difficult or uncomfortable actions.
Kindness is rooted in compassion and altruism, leading to more meaningful and positive impacts on relationships and society.
In conclusion, striving to be kind and good—while still being nice and friendly when appropriate—creates a balanced approach that fosters genuine connections and personal fulfillment.
Recommended member’s series: Kindness Matters – How to Help Yourself by Helping Others
