Attachment theory explains how early childhood relationships with primary caregivers can be reflected in intimate relationships we develop as adults.
Securely attached children tend to grow into adults who can trust people and feel safe in romantic relationships. An insecure attachment style makes it difficult — sometimes completely impossible — to feel securely connected to a loved one.
But is a person’s attachment style set in stone? Are you bound to fear abandonment (or closeness if your attachment style is avoidant) whenever you warm up to someone? Do you have to feel insecure in relationships all the time? Or can attachment styles change?
Yes, an attachment style can be modified. You can learn to build healthy, profound relationships and emotions. The key lies in the concept of earned secure attachment.
This article answers the question of how to develop secure attachment in adulthood. Learn about five practical steps to creating genuine connections with a deserving partner.
What Is Earned Secure Attachment?
In simple terms, earned secure attachment is a state of emotional security and relational health a person can develop in adulthood, even if they developed an insecure attachment style in their early years.
The concept builds on the attachment theory’s basic typology. Therefore, the signs of an earned secure attachment match those of a lifelong one. Individuals who developed a secure attachment seem to manifest comparable relational security.
According to a 23–year longitudinal study, the chief difference remains in how these people remember their childhood. Securely attached people coherently talk about their positive experiences with their carers. Those with an earned secure attachment coherently describe negative childhood experiences. This means that — yes — they were exposed to inconsistent, unresponsive, or neglectful early care.
However, these experiences have been processed and no longer have destructive power over the person’s emotional responses and their own attachment style, creating an earned, secure attachment style.
In contrast, people who are insecurely attached have incoherent narratives about their caregivers, revealing their inner turmoil. This “emotional knot” is still active and negatively affects their adult intimate relationships.
So, when you embark on earning a secure attachment, you work through past hurts and incorporate them into your narrative, but stop being governed by them.
How to Create Secure Attachment Style in Adults
Since you are here, you are probably wondering how to have a secure attachment style now — as an adult — despite living many years with insecure attachments.
The secret is patience and perseverance. Becoming a securely attached adult if your early childhood experiences set you up for pain and distrust is not an easy task. Prepare for a potentially challenging journey. Still, despite possible difficulties, the reward is worth the effort.
We give you five practical steps to start changing your emotional and relational patterns, showing you how to change attachment style and open yourself up for emotional intimacy and true connection.
1. Reflect: Do You Have a Secure or Insecure Attachment Style?
When thinking about how to change your attachment style, the first step is knowing your current one. You can’t modify the unknown, right?
There are several paths to take to understand your starting point — whether you are securely attached or have one of the insecure attachment styles: anxious attachment style, avoidant attachment style, or anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment style.
Self-Reflection Questions
Dedicate some time to reflection questions and freestyle self-exploration. For example:
- Ask yourself questions about your childhood. How did your primary caregivers respond when you were upset or needed comfort as a child? Did you feel safe and understood? How did your parents show you love?
- Think about your relationship patterns. How do you typically behave in romantic relationships? Do you often feel anxious about your partner’s availability or tend to distance yourself?
- How do you handle conflicts in your relationships? Do you confront issues directly, avoid them, or react with heightened emotions?
- Explore your willingness to count on others. Do you find it easy to trust others and rely on them, or do you feel uncomfortable being dependent on someone else?
- Also, how are you emotionally expressing yourself? Are you comfortable expressing your emotions to others, or do you often suppress them to avoid vulnerability?
Contemplative Practices
Apart from reflection in the form of questions, you can also journal and meditate.
Journaling is recognized for its importance in increasing self-awareness and the ability to reflect on one’s emotions and experiences. Writing about your relationship experiences, feelings, and reactions, for example, can provide insights into your attachment style. Reflect on past relationships, conflicts, and emotional responses, and search for patterns in how you relate to others.
Meditation is another way to tap into your inner world. Mindfulness practices can help you become more self-aware and develop emotional regulation, making recognizing patterns related to your attachment style easier.
Attachment Style Questionnaires and Inventories
A reliable way to determine your attachment style is to take a research-based test. By doing so, you can avoid some pitfalls of reflective practices.
The obvious one is bias. Our minds are wired for subjectivity. The tricky part is that we are almost exclusively unaware of our partiality. Taking a professional-developed questionnaire instead helps you explore your inner world with more objectivity, especially in matters of heart.
BrainManager’s Attachment Styles Test is a dependable tool that guides you through reliable self-exploration.
2. Seek Professional Guidance to Mend Avoidant, Disorganized, or Anxious Attachments
Insecure attachment styles are coupled with many challenges. Researchers repeatedly determined that insecure attachment lowers relationship satisfaction, makes you more vulnerable to getting involved in abusive relationships and not leaving the abusive partner, predisposes you to heightened stress, and even exacerbates the risk of depression.
Thus, working towards a secure earned attachment involves addressing past traumas and healing the negative impacts of insecure attachment in your current life.
A professional will help you address past hurts and overcome adverse childhood experiences. They will also guide you toward developing healthier relationship patterns and emotional responses.
Through tailored therapeutic approaches, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), or Attachment-Based Therapy, you can gain the tools needed to understand and reshape your attachment style.
3. Build Healthy Relationships
A healthy relationship presents a safe space and a learning experience for people with an insecure attachment. Although it may not be what you lean towards at the moment, you should intentionally seek out such supportive connections when changing your old maladaptive patterns.
Making new, healthy friendships is just as important as changing behaviors in romantic partnerships and can even be a crucial stepping stone toward achieving secure attachments in all areas of life.
Reassuring and accepting partners and friends will help you learn and practice mutual understanding and respect, healthy communication, and emotional support.
Of course, you might already be involved with an avoidant partner or an anxiously attached person. Working towards healthier attachment does not mean you must terminate your relationship. Instead, focus on fostering open communication and mutual growth within the relationship, encouraging both partners to address their attachment styles together.
Seek professional guidance if needed to navigate this process effectively.
4. Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion
Self-care is crucial to working towards earned secure attachment because it helps build a stable foundation for emotional well-being. As a result, you grow the capacity to engage in healthier relationships and improve emotional resilience.
Self-compassion and self-care practices promote accepting yourself and opting for a healthy coping mechanism when facing stress. For example, avoidant attachment will likely push you to alienate yourself from others as a default tendency when feeling hurt or fearing the potential of getting hurt. Anxious attachment is coupled with insecurities that make you fear abandonment all the time.
Taking care of yourself and practicing self-love, on the other hand, enhances your capability to manage emotions and develop a sense of safety that is centered within yourself. You no longer depend on an external relationship (be it a parent, a partner, or a friend) to offer a support system. You become capable of closeness and emotional intimacy but not completely dependent on others and their reactions.
These internal changes are vital for transitioning to a healthier adult attachment style.
Here are a few ideas for creating a self-care routine:
By prioritizing self-care, you are addressing your needs and nurturing yourself, which is essential for developing a secure sense of self.
5. Reward Small Victories on Your Path to Earned Attachment
Celebrating small victories is essential in your journey towards earned secure attachment, as it reinforces positive changes and keeps you motivated to continue progressing.
Recognize your progress and celebrate small steps towards secure attachment. This could be successfully setting a boundary, opening up emotionally, or responding to conflict in a healthier way. Mark them in a journal of your achievements and breakthroughs, no matter how big or small.
Use positive affirmations to reinforce your progress and remind yourself of your capacity for growth and change. Pick one that will be your mantra and follow you towards your goal.
Finally, reward yourself. Treat yourself to something enjoyable or relaxing as a reward for your efforts. This could be a favorite activity, a small gift, or a special outing. Sharing victories with your supportive inner circle will make the journey more enjoyable.
Embrace the Journey to Emotional Freedom
Hopefully, you started reading this article with a question about how to create secure attachment as an adult, and you are ending it motivated and equipped to shape your future life story.
The journey to an earned secure attachment is not always easy, but it is profoundly rewarding.
By addressing past traumas, engaging in self-reflection, seeking professional guidance, building healthy relationships, practicing self-care, and celebrating small victories, you are taking active steps toward emotional freedom. This process allows you to reshape your attachment style and transform your relationships, fostering deeper connections and a more stable emotional life.
Even though you might not have had a secure base as a baby, it does not mean you cannot feel secure as an adult, right?
Earned secure attachment is a testament to the human capacity for growth and change.
You have the power to rewrite your attachment narrative. Cultivate the secure attachment that leads to healthier, more satisfying relationships, which are important to your overall well-being. Keep moving forward, seek support when needed, and trust in your ability to grow and change.
Your path to emotional freedom and secure attachment is within reach— embrace it fully and confidently. And yes, an earned secure attachment is just as good as a secure attachment style developed from childhood!
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