At first glance, they seem like the perfect friend, partner, or colleague — kind, considerate, even selfless. But behind closed doors, something feels off. I’ve seen it happen: the subtle jabs, the passive-aggressive silence, the way they twist every situation to make you doubt yourself. This is the world of covert narcissists — masters of manipulation who hide their inflated egos behind humility and charm.
Unlike the loud, attention-seeking, overt narcissists we easily recognize, covert narcissists operate in the shadows, making their impact even more insidious. Covert narcissists are characterized by a deep need for control and validation, but instead of seeking attention outright, they manipulate through subtle tactics.
In this article, I’ll walk you through the strange behaviors they display and the phrases they use so you can spot the red flags early and protect yourself.
Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do
The true impact of covert narcissists’ behavior isn’t always obvious at first, but over time, the patterns become clear. If you often feel drained, second-guess yourself, or notice subtle but persistent mistreatment, you may be dealing with narcissistic abuse. Let’s explore some of the behaviors that set covert narcissists apart.:
1. Passive Aggression
Covert narcissists rarely address conflicts head-on. Instead, they express frustration through silent treatment, sarcastic remarks, or subtle jabs that create tension. Rather than openly communicating, they make you second-guess yourself.
đź’ˇExample: They may deliberately perform tasks poorly, forcing you to step in out of frustration. In leadership roles, they might "forget" to invite a top performer to key meetings, quietly undermining their success while pretending it was an innocent oversight.
2. Apologies That Don't Feel Quite Right
When someone with covert narcissistic tendencies apologizes, it might not feel genuine. They often frame apologies in a way that shifts responsibility away from themselves.
đź’ˇExample: Saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way," instead of acknowledging their wrongdoing. Or, "I said I'm sorry, can we just drop it now?"—which pressures you to move on without actually resolving the issue.
3. Different Public and Private Faces
Many of us act a little differently in public than in private, but covert narcissists take this to the extreme. They may be charming, helpful, and charismatic in social settings but become dismissive, controlling, or even cruel in private.
đź’ˇExample: A friend who is the life of the party, always ready with a kind word or supportive gesture in public, but when alone with you, they’re cold, dismissive, or outright mean.
4. Difficulty Accepting Blame
Covert narcissists never want to be responsible for their mistakes. If confronted, they quickly shift blame, making others feel at fault for expecting accountability.
đź’ˇExample: If they forget an important date, instead of apologizing, they might say, "You should have reminded me. You know I'm busy." If you call them out on their behavior, they might respond with, "You're too sensitive!"
5. Holding onto Past Hurts
While most people eventually move on from minor conflicts, covert narcissists keep a running list of every perceived slight, bringing up old arguments long after you’ve forgotten them.
đź’ˇExample: During a minor disagreement, they might say, "This is just like that time three years ago when you forgot to call me on my birthday."
6. Mirroring Others
To appear more likable and trustworthy, covert narcissists often mimic the behavior, interests, or speech of those around them. This makes them seem more relatable, but it’s not genuine — it’s a tool to gain approval.
đź’ˇExample: A coworker suddenly starts using your favorite phrases, copying your dress style, and sharing your exact hobbies, making you feel like they’re a little too in sync with you.
7. Weaponized Incompetence
Covert narcissists sometimes pretend to be incapable of certain tasks to shift responsibilities onto others. Whether it’s “accidentally” ruining laundry, struggling with basic work assignments, or constantly forgetting tasks, their goal is to make you take over while they maintain plausible deniability.
đź’ˇExample: A covert narcissist in a relationship might repeatedly “fail” at cooking or cleaning until their partner gives up and does everything for them.
8. Playing the "Misunderstood Genius"
Rather than seeking direct praise, they often portray themselves as underappreciated visionaries whose brilliance is constantly overlooked. This fuels their need for validation without appearing boastful.
đź’ˇExample: A coworker who constantly claims their ideas are revolutionary but insists that “management never listens” while never taking feedback themselves.
9. Using Self-Deprecation as a Manipulation Tool
Covert narcissists frequently put themselves down — not because they lack confidence, but to elicit validation. By presenting themselves as helpless or undervalued, they draw others into reassuring them.
đź’ˇExample: Someone who constantly calls themselves "the worst friend ever" to guilt-trip others into prioritizing them.
10. Selective Empathy
They can appear highly compassionate in certain scenarios — especially when there’s an audience — but will suddenly become indifferent or even dismissive when real emotional support is needed.
đź’ˇExample: A covert narcissist may console a crying coworker in a public setting but later ignore their friend’s genuine distress in private.
11. Disguising Criticism as “Just Trying to Help”
Instead of outright insults, covert narcissists package their put-downs as concern or advice. They undermine others while maintaining plausible deniability.
đź’ˇExample: A friend who “kindly” suggests you shouldn’t apply for a job because you "might not be ready for that kind of pressure."
12. Baiting and Feigning Innocence
They deliberately provoke others with subtle jabs, then act shocked or offended when someone reacts. This allows them to paint themselves as the victim while making the real victim seem irrational or aggressive.
đź’ˇExample: A covert narcissist might repeatedly make snide comments about someone’s weight, then act hurt and confused when that person finally lashes out.
13. Holding People to Impossible Standards
They expect perfection from others but constantly move the goalposts, ensuring no one ever fully measures up. This keeps people stuck in a cycle of trying to earn their approval, which never quite comes.
đź’ˇExample: A covert narcissistic boss might praise an employee’s hard work but always find a minor flaw to criticize, preventing them from ever feeling truly competent.
14. Emotional Withholding
They use affection, praise, or emotional support as a form of control, offering it only when it benefits them and withdrawing it when they want to punish someone.
đź’ˇExample: A partner who becomes distant and cold the moment their significant other expresses an independent thought or need.
15. Playing the Martyr
Covert narcissists often act like they are constantly sacrificing for others — while making sure everyone knows about it. They use this to guilt-trip people into giving them special treatment.
đź’ˇExample: A parent who constantly reminds their child of "everything I've done for you" as a way to control them rather than out of genuine love.
16. Subtle Sabotage
Instead of openly stopping someone from succeeding, they subtly undermine their progress. They may offer discouraging advice, withhold helpful information, or create small obstacles that make things harder.
đź’ˇExample: A coworker who “forgets” to tell you about an important deadline then acts like it was an innocent mistake when you miss it.
17. Turning Others Against You
Covert narcissists often stir up drama behind the scenes by planting seeds of doubt about you in others’ minds. They do this subtly, making it look like they’re just concerned or trying to help.
đź’ˇExample: Telling mutual friends, "I worry about [your name], they seem really stressed lately. Have they been acting different with you too?"—leading people to question your behavior.
18. Taking Credit for Others’ Work
They often position themselves as key contributors while downplaying others’ efforts. They thrive on appearing competent and essential, even when they barely contributed.
đź’ˇExample: A covert narcissist at work might take credit for a successful project by emphasizing their minor role while ignoring the efforts of the team.
19. Pretending to Be the Expert on Everything
Even when they have no real expertise, covert narcissists often act like they know more than everyone else. They dismiss others' knowledge and present themselves as the smartest person in the room.
đź’ˇExample: Someone who confidently gives advice on topics they have no experience with while belittling actual experts.
20. Using Boundaries Against You
When others set boundaries, covert narcissists frame them as personal attacks. They make the person enforcing the boundary feel guilty for having limits.
đź’ˇExample: If you say, "I need some space today," they might respond with, "Wow, I guess I’m just a burden to you."—turning your boundary into an attack on them.
Creating a Balanced Connection with a Covert Narcissist
Understanding covert narcissism helps you build healthier relationships and protect your feelings. While these people might not show off like other narcissists, their quiet actions can still hurt.
By knowing the traits of a narcissist and how covert narcissists act, you can handle them better. Remember, you can't change them, but you can change how you respond and protect your mental health. It's important to learn how to deal with narcissists effectively, communicate with them properly, and seek support when needed.
