In today’s world, where nearly everyone cares profoundly about their self-promotion (online and in person), much of what we do could be labeled as narcissistic behaviors. Still, is the world truly filled with so many narcissistic people?
Is there an epidemic of narcissism? Or does the word get tossed around too much and misunderstood?
This article bases the explanation of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and 12 traits of a narcissist on the international diagnostic manuals (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM-5, and the International Classification of Diseases, ICD-11) and empirical research.
However, it is far from a cold, professional report. Drawing on extensive professional knowledge, experience in the field of mental health, and research, this article aims to provide a comprehensive understanding of narcissistic personality disorder and its traits.
The insights provided are designed to connect with those who may find themselves questioning whether their partner is a narcissist. They will help readers understand the initial attraction, empathize with the struggle to make the relationship work, and recognize the courage it takes to leave (if that's the best option for your well-being).
If you want to learn about narcissistic personality disorder, identify narcissistic traits, and understand the differences between them, this article was written to help you grasp what you might be dealing with.
Related: 7 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable
What Is a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a clinically diagnosed (or diagnosable) mental health condition. Its main feature is an excessive need for admiration, grandiosity, self-centeredness, and lack of empathy. A pattern of arrogant thinking and behavior, lacking consideration for others, is present in all aspects of their lives, from work and friendships to family and romantic relationships. Others often describe them as arrogant, manipulative, egocentric, condescending, and demanding.
A person with this disorder will rarely come to a psychologist complaining about their grandiose sense of self. The diagnosis is most often reached in a roundabout way. Most commonly, the narcissistic person’s partner, friend, or one of the family members is distressed by their behavior. In the process of resolving relationship problems, the diagnosis becomes clear. Another path to the diagnosis involves a narcissistic person coming to see a therapist with complaints about hypersensitivity, depression, and anxiety, for example. The underlying personality disorder is then diagnosed.
Personality disorders are lifelong conditions. Think of them as personality constitutions, where dysfunctional elements are embedded into the structure. So, the aim, unlike with some other mental disorders, is not to heal the disorder but to improve the affected person’s functioning.
Addressing NPD is not without challenges. One of them is the narcissistic person’s lack of motivation to undergo any treatment (they do not feel they need to change). Also, NPD is not treated by pharmaceutical means. There is no FDA-approved medication for narcissism.
Still, with proper psychotherapeutic intervention by a trained mental health professional, improvements are possible. Transference-focused therapy seems to have more success than other types in helping people move towards an integrated and more realistic sense of self and self-stability.
With this in mind, we go back to the often-heard descriptions of people as narcissists. If these “diagnoses” were accurate, we would see an epidemic of the disorder. Is it truly so?
Is There an Epidemic in Narcissistic Tendencies?
The findings of a comprehensive Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcoholism and Related Conditions (NESARC), based on face-to-face interviews with 34 093 participants in the USA, 6.2% of the population had narcissistic personality disorder. Rates were higher for men (7.7%) than for women (4.8%).
The perception that narcissism is on the rise, especially among younger generations, is a topic of considerable debate among psychologists and social scientists. While some argue that narcissistic traits are becoming more common, others believe this perception may be influenced by factors unrelated to actual clinical narcissism.
One nationwide study on college students aimed to determine if the prevalence of NPD changed over time. The results revealed significant increases in narcissism between 1994 and 2009. On the contrary, another similar study found no significant increase in narcissism in cohorts of at-risk adolescents (2004–2015).
Few studies have explored this issue, making definite conclusions difficult.
It is also possible that such findings are conditioned by cultural, social, and methodological aspects rather than a significant increase in clinical narcissism. Modern society is discussed as one of the contributing factors in understanding the apparent rise of narcissism.
12 Narcissistic Traits: Is Your Partner a Narcissist?
To recap—NPD is a mental health disorder. Not too many people have it.
However, narcissistic attributes are a different matter. A person can exhibit narcissistic traits without having a personality disorder.
Whether you indeed have a narcissistic partner (one with a clinical diagnosis) or they “merely” possess some of these characteristics, propping up their visions of grandeur takes a lot of work. Maintaining a relationship with someone who lacks empathy and organizes their world around evidencing one’s magnificence can be very frustrating.
Our article on dealing with a narcissist can give you practical advice on how to navigate such a relationship.
There seem to be different subtypes of narcissists, and the trait is manifested in varying levels. Therefore, the clinical presentation of NPD could vary. Still, some generalizations are possible, even though not all of these 12 traits of a narcissist in a relationship would apply to all such individuals:
1. Grandiosity and Elevated Sense of Self-Importance
According to the DSM-5, narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and believe they are superior to others. Similarly, ICD-11 describes a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior).
Narcissists might frequently boast about their own accomplishments, exaggerate their talents, and insist on being treated as superior in any professional or personal setting.
Narcissistic people will constantly expect their partners to admire and acknowledge their superiority.
For example, one might encounter a person who expects their partner to be equally dazzled every time they hear the same stories about past achievements, even if it is the fiftieth time. This individual may also explicitly negate and diminish their partner's accomplishments to highlight their own, using such tactics to advertise their immense self-worth.
2. Preoccupation with Fantasies of Unlimited Success, Power, Brilliance, Beauty, or Ideal Love
DSM-5 explains that these individuals often dwell on fantasies to reinforce their belief in their uniqueness.
They might have unrealistic expectations for the relationship, believing it should be perfect and their partner should always meet their idealized standards.
Narcissists may frequently compare their partner to an unrealistic ideal. For instance, they might glorify past relationships, using them to highlight the perceived shortcomings of the current one and demand perfection — an unattainable standard that no one could ever meet.
3. Belief that They Are Special and Unique
True narcissists believe they can only be understood by — or should associate with — other special or high-status people or institutions, based on both DSM-5 and ICD-11.
A narcissist may refuse to associate with people they perceive as “ordinary” and seek out exclusive social circles, believing that only other special individuals can understand them. For example, they might insist on attending only prestigious events and mingling with influential individuals, disregarding the value and feelings of people they consider less important.
When you are in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, it means that your feelings towards people or social needs will be disregarded.
4. Need for Excessive Admiration
Classifications of mental health disorders list the narcissists’ requirement for constant and excessive admiration and validation from others to bolster their fragile self-esteem. We will get to the issue of self-esteem shortly.
A narcissist will require constant praise and validation of their grandiose sense of self from their partner. If their partner fails to provide sufficient awe (but is there such a thing as sufficient for a narcissistic partner?), they may accuse them of not being supportive or loving enough, causing tension and conflict.
For instance, a narcissistic individual might frequently seek compliments on their appearance, achievements, or intelligence, and if their partner doesn't provide the expected level of admiration, the narcissist might react with frustration or resentment, claiming that their partner is unsupportive or lacks appreciation for them.
5. Sense of Entitlement
Both manuals for mental health disorders name unreasonable expectations of special treatment, exceptional consideration, or automatic compliance with their expectations as characteristics of NPD.
Individuals with this narcissistic trait will expect friends or family to drop everything to help them without reciprocation.
In a committed relationship, this translates to, among other things, expecting their partner to handle all household responsibilities while they focus on their own interests. For instance, a narcissistic partner might assume their significant other will always take care of chores, errands, and child-rearing, all while they pursue their hobbies or career ambitions, without offering to help or acknowledging the imbalance.
6. Interpersonally Exploitative
Narcissists are usually extremely interpersonally exploitative — taking unfair advantage of other people for personal gain—and apt to find ways to gain control over people. They will manipulate others to achieve their own ends and often use people as tools without caring about their feelings or needs. Both DSM-5 and ICD-11 describe this trait.
In romance, personal gain can range from the said chores to leveraging their partner’s resources or connections for their own benefit to sexual exploitation. Nothing is sacred when a person exhibits high levels of narcissism unless clear boundaries are set.
7. Lack of Empathy
One of the potentially most detrimental traits of a narcissist is their inability or unwillingness to recognize, empathize, or understand the feelings and needs of others.
This trait is listed in diagnostic manuals and empirical and theoretical literature. But you can also hear about this inhuman coldness in the painful stories of victims of narcissistic abuse.
In relationships, narcissists lack empathy for their partner’s feelings and well-being, often ignoring their partner’s emotions to focus solely on their own desires and problems. For instance, a narcissistic individual might react with frustration and anger when their partner expresses grief or distress, making statements that focus on how their partner's emotions are negatively affecting them, such as, “You’re ruining my day!” even during times of significant personal loss or hardship.
8. Envy of Others and/or Belief that Others Are Envious of Them
Diagnostic manuals also speak of narcissists’ envy of others and believe others are envious of them, reflecting their fragile self-esteem. They may downplay or sabotage others’ successes, feeling threatened by them (but never admitting it), or frequently assert that others are jealous of their achievements, even without evidence.
If they happen to fail, that must be, by the nature of things, someone else’s fault.
In a relationship, this narcissistic trait manifests as jealousy of their partner’s success or happiness, feeling threatened by it. However, to mask it, they will probably degrade these achievements and find a way to claim that the partner is the envious one.
9. Arrogant and Haughty Behaviors or Attitudes
The DSM-5 and ICD-11 alike explain that pathological narcissism is associated with condescending behaviors. A full-blown narcissist projects their own reality in which they have the right to express disdain for others because of their superiority.
You will likely see narcissistic individuals talk down to others, act condescendingly, or dismiss other people’s opinions and contributions as inferior, creating tension and resentment in social or work environments.
A partner of such a person is often exposed to belittling and disrespect, jeopardizing their mental health and self-esteem. Victims of narcissistic abuse are often in need of professional help to recover from constant disparagement. They would benefit from affirmations to reclaim a healthy image of self.
10. Fragile Self-Esteem
Interestingly, psychiatric literature explains that, despite their outward grandiosity, narcissists often have a very fragile self-esteem, which is extremely vulnerable to criticism or defeat.
In many cases, the less confident the narcissist, the more aggressive the attempts to mask this lack of self-esteem are. For example, a narcissistic person might dramatically overreact to any perceived criticism or slight — even when others would not interpret the actions or statements as such. They may respond angrily and attempt to belittle those around them to protect their inflated ego.
Additionally, they tend to hold grudges for a long time. A minor, unintentional comment made years ago could be brought up repeatedly as a source of ongoing resentment, causing their partner to feel as though they must constantly walk on eggshells to avoid triggering another outburst.
11. Difficulty Maintaining Relationships
Psychiatric literature reveals that narcissists often struggle to maintain healthy relationships due to their lack of empathy, exploitative nature, and need for admiration. This characteristic is evident in the workplace, romance, and keeping long-term friends.
Over time, people in narcissists’ lives may feel emotionally exhausted and consider ending the relationship.
One study that analyzed the experiences of spouses of narcissists concluded that “narcissistic persons appear as unstable and immoral exercisers of power and manipulators who lack the sense of reality. Based on the results, the origin of these problems is in low self-esteem.”
According to research, relationship satisfaction is low if a relationship does happen. Narcissists seem to be prone to infidelity, arguably for a reason we will touch on next, which further undermines the satisfaction of being in such a relationship.
12. Chronic Feelings of Emptiness and Boredom
The last of the 12 traits of a narcissist we discuss here is chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom. These often lead them to continuously seek stimulation and admiration from external sources.
A study based on Cloninger’s model revealed that at least some of the narcissistic traits correlate with novelty seeking. Although similar to personality traits like openness to experience, which could open doors to creativity and divergent thinking, narcissists’ novelty-seeking tends to be destructive in relationships.
Pursuing excitement and novelty could lead to impulsive decisions, such as engaging in an affair, ending and starting relationships, or being reckless in other ways — often neglecting and hurting their partner.
Find Your Way with Narcissistic People
Navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals comes with unique challenges that can significantly impact one’s emotional well-being. Understanding narcissistic personality disorder and identifying narcissistic traits are crucial steps in managing such relationships.
You may also want to learn about gaslighting since it's a common tool used by narcissists to manipulate and assert control. We also have an article full of tips about how to better communicate with narcissists.
Narcissistic persons often exhibit an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for special treatment, and a lack of empathy, leading to emotionally exploitative behaviors and frequent conflicts. Such self-centered behavior can create a toxic environment, hindering the formation of healthy relationships and personal growth.
Recognizing the manipulation tactics employed by narcissists can empower individuals to protect their well-being. While most narcissists may not accept responsibility for their actions, focusing on one’s mental health, inner strength, and resilience can help mitigate the negative effects of a narcissistic relationship.
It is essential to establish healthy boundaries and seek support from mental health professionals to protect yourself from emotional abuse, maintain a positive self-image, and create a healthy emotional space.
Ultimately, fostering healthier relationships involves acknowledging the challenges posed by narcissistic behaviors and striving for personal growth and self-love. By understanding the complexities of narcissistic personality disorder and prioritizing one’s own needs, individuals can navigate relationships more effectively and maintain a sense of self-confidence and emotional stability.
