Why Do I Keep Messing Up My Relationship? 3 Causes of Self-Sabotage in Relationships (& How to Stop!)

Does this sound familiar? You’re in a loving and respectful relationship. But every now and then, for no apparent reason, you find yourself nitpicking your partner’s flaws, creating unnecessary arguments, or withdrawing emotionally. Deep down, you crave connection. Yet, your actions seem to push your partner away.

These self-sabotaging patterns leave you feeling frustrated, hurt, confused, and even more disconnected. 

So, you ask yourself, “Why do I keep messing up my relationships?”

I know many people who face this issue due to relationship self-sabotage.

In this article, we’ll explore why people self-sabotage intimate relationships, identify common self-destructive patterns, and offer practical solutions to help you build stronger, happier relationships.

Related: What Is the Impact of ADHD on Relationships

Understanding Self-Sabotage in Relationships

Self-sabotage in relationships involves engaging in consciously and unconsciously self-destructive behaviors that threaten the bond’s stability and health. 

These behaviors can range from subtle actions — like dismissing your partner’s romantic gestures as being insincere — to more overt actions — like cheating or emotional withdrawal. The relationship sabotage scale is quite broad.

The irony is that these behaviors often stem from fear or insecurity. If you are prone to self-sabotage relationships, you most likely yearn for emotional warmth and security. Yet, you end up pushing away the very person you want to keep close to.

Even if you came across a partner who checks all the boxes for a long-term relationship, it might not be enough. The reasons could evade you.

One of the most challenging aspects of self-sabotage in relationships is recognizing it.  However, understanding these patterns, their impact, and where they came from in the first place is the first step towards changing this unhealthy behavior.

3 Reasons Why You Might Be Sabotaging Your Relationship

Understanding why you might be sabotaging your relationship is essential for breaking the cycle. The chief reasons people self-sabotage in relationships are rooted in trauma, fear of intimate relationships, and low self-esteem.

We researched the underlying causes of self-sabotage in relationships for you, hoping to help you answer the question, “Why do I keep making mistakes in my relationship?”

1. Childhood Trauma and Past Experiences

Our experiences shape us as much as our personality and character traits do.

Past trauma is a potent factor in shaping our trust issues, commitment levels, and expectations in romantic relationships.  Often, the patterns established in past relationships replay in current ones, perpetuating cycles of self-destructive behaviors.

Childhood trauma can cast a long shadow over our adult relationships. Negative interactions with caregivers during childhood can lead individuals to believe that those they love will inevitably hurt them. These early experiences can shape attachment styles, leading to anxious, avoidant, or disordered attachment styles in adulthood.

For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style might constantly seek reassurance, while someone with an avoidant attachment style might push people away to avoid getting hurt.

Later traumatic experiences can also create trust issues and transform a once confident person into someone who fears intimacy. After you start dating again, having survived an abusive relationship, for example, you might notice newly developed signs of self-sabotage.

Even if your current partner is trustworthy and loving, the lingering effects of past trauma can lead to behaviors that undermine the relationship.

Developing a secure attachment style is critical in fostering healthier, more secure relationships.

2. Fear of Intimacy and Abandonment Issues

Fear of intimacy builds on the previous reason for ruining one’s relationships.

People who fear intimacy crave deep connections as much as any other person. Maybe even more.  Yet, emotionally close bonds are a source of grave relationship anxiety for them because romantic relationships mean opening up to getting hurt.

This fear can manifest in various ways. Sometimes, it’s apparent in the push-and-pull dynamics, where individuals get close to their partner only to push them away when things become too intense. Some people avoid having serious conversations because discussing feelings means confronting their fears, which they prefer to avoid.

Abandonment issues are another typical driver of self-sabotage. Individuals with a deep-seated fear of being abandoned might engage in behaviors that ironically push their partner away.  This can include abusive behaviors like gaslighting or controlling tendencies. These behaviors are a reaction to their fear of being left alone.

3. Low Self-Esteem and Negative Beliefs

Individuals with poor self-esteem may believe they are unworthy of love and happiness. Such self-image leads them to engage in behaviors that ensure the failure of their relationships.

One example is serial dating. People with poor self-esteem might end the relationship prematurely, believing their partner will eventually leave them anyway. This is a form of preemptive action to prevent injury to one’s self-esteem. Cheating is often another manifestation of low self-esteem and self-sabotage.

If you have negative beliefs about your worth, you can quickly enter a cycle of self-destruction that can be incredibly challenging to break. If you don’t learn how to engage in positive self-talk, you are effectively sabotaging yourself and, thus, your relationships. Depression is linked to a negative perception of oneself, others, and the future.

*If you notice symptoms of depressive mood, we urge you to consider reaching out to a mental health professional, whether it is in their private practice or clinic settings.*  

Common Relationship Self-Sabotage Behavior Patterns

Self-sabotage in relationships manifests in various ways. What connects them all is that they usually reflect deep-seated insecurities, past hurts, and fears. The most common problematic behaviors that lead to people sabotaging their own relationships are excessive criticism, avoidance of issues, infidelity, emotional withdrawal, and jealousy. 

From an outside perspective, self-sabotaging relationships may seem deliberate, making it difficult for others to understand the underlying issues.

For the person engaging in self-sabotage, it can feel like an automatic response to stress or conflict, making it even harder to control.

Recognizing these warning signs can help one take proactive steps to stop self-sabotage and build healthier, more loving, and close relationships.

Unrealistic Expectations and Excessive Criticism

Nagging and nitpicking (and the more harmful forms of being overly critical of pretty much everything your partner does) are among the most common signs of self-sabotage in relationships.

We are not saying that you should not be assertive and express your concerns clearly. However, constantly criticizing and finding faults in your partner’s actions might be a sign of self-sabotage. Demanding that your romantic partner never make mistakes creates unrealistic expectations that are impossible to meet in a romantic relationship. 

This behavior is likely to make your partner feel unappreciated and inadequate, eventually leading them to give up on trying to please you.

Avoidance of Conflict and Communication

Evading conflict and communication is a major self-sabotaging behavior. Instead of addressing issues head-on, many people sabotage their love life by ignoring problems, hoping they will disappear on their own. Avoiding these conversations may seem like a way to keep the peace, but poor communication usually leads to more significant issues down the line.

No long-term relationship will survive when you avoid talking about issues that arise between you and your partner. When problems are concealed rather than addressed, a partner may develop resentment and ultimately withdraw from the relationship.

Emotional Unavailability and Passive Aggression

Emotional unavailability and passive aggression prevent deep connections and lead to feelings of isolation in a relationship.

Avoidant attachment style is usually at the root of emotional unavailability. The person with such tendencies will build walls between themselves and their potential partners and end relationships as soon as they become serious — all because they fear intimacy.

Relationship anxiety can also manifest as passive-aggressive behaviors. These often stem from discomfort with anger, leading to miscommunication and distrust.

This combination can create a cycle of misunderstanding, deteriorating trust, and negative emotions.

Being open about your feelings and addressing issues head-on fosters a more trusting and fulfilling relationship.

Infidelity as a Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Infidelity is perhaps one of the most destructive forms of self-sabotage. Many people who wonder: “Why do I keep ruining my relationships?” feel unable to stay faithful and stop self-sabotage.

Cheating can be a way to end a relationship without directly confronting underlying issues. When you have an affair, you are transferring the responsibility onto your partner. Infidelity is potential self-sabotage because it usually effectively makes a happy and healthy relationship impossible.

Jealousy

Jealousy and controlling behaviors are widespread. Jealousy can drive individuals to demand control over their partner’s interactions. Some people even demand location-sharing, social media passwords, and similar channels to stay up to date with their partner’s activities.

However, such actions will eventually lead to breakups because the partner feels suffocated. In the next section, we will show you the healthier ways to build a safe and happy relationship.

How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship

If you want to stop self-sabotage, know it requires intentional effort and a willingness to change.

Self-awareness and honest evaluation of one’s behavior are key to recognizing harmful patterns. Acknowledging your role in damaging relationships and taking responsibility for your behavior is the first step towards healing.

Openly communicating with your partner, seeking support when needed, and proactively developing healthier relationship habits are the next steps on your path towards ending self-sabotage in relationships.

Reflection and Self-Awareness

Even before becoming a psychologist, I firmly believed that knowing oneself is the first indispensable step towards any positive change.

Understanding your triggers is crucial for addressing subconscious self-sabotaging impulses. This recognition allows you to navigate your reactions and improve relationship interactions. Sharing feelings with your partner helps them empathize with your struggles. Making the other person understand where you’re coming from facilitates working on issues together. 

Self-reflection can be a powerful tool in transforming maladaptive behaviors into constructive ones.

Mindfulness of your actions and their impact on your relationship leads to more informed decisions that foster growth and connection. Meditation could help you with that quest.

Open Communication with Your Partner

Honest and direct communication with your partner is crucial to addressing self-sabotaging behavior in relationships. This goes both ways: expressing your own needs and emotions and understanding your partner’s feelings.

Maintaining healthy communication includes honesty, active listening, and clearly expressing feelings. These skills prevent misunderstandings and strengthen relationships.

Research has proven that creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings leads to a happier, more connected relationship.

Seeking Professional Help

Recognizing destructive behaviors is important; taking steps to prevent them is crucial. If you have a self-sabotaging partner or you tend to mess up your relationships, seek professional help.

As a student of Family Systems Psychotherapy, I have witnessed the immense power of this approach to mend ingrained unhealthy patterns in relationships and significantly improve the quality of a couple’s communication.

A mental health professional can help you recognize and change self-sabotaging behaviors. Therapy provides guidance and helps identify harmful tendencies, develop coping strategies, and build healthy relationships.

Couples therapy, which you would engage in with your partner, would help you both reflect on your behaviors, emotions, and past experiences to address self-sabotaging behaviors.

Building Healthier Relationship Habits

Building healthier relationship habits is key to overcoming self-sabotaging behaviors and maintaining the change long-term. You could commit to these profound changes if you want to stop self-sabotaging your love life.

Developing Secure Attachment Styles

Adults with insecure attachment styles often struggle to form deep connections in their relationships. Secure attachment styles foster an environment where you and your partner feel safe and valued, enhancing overall relationship satisfaction.

Transitioning to a secure attachment style can significantly improve emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction. This process involves being mindful of your behaviors, seeking professional support, nurturing healthy relationships, and developing self-compassion and self-care.

Practicing Gratitude

There is scientific proof that practicing gratitude can reduce stress, prevent depression, and boost self-esteem.

Consistently expressing gratitude can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction. It can help maintain a positive and healthy relationship dynamic. When you express gratitude, you make one another feel acknowledged and valued, even on tough days.

You can create a more supportive and loving relationship by incorporating gratitude and positive reinforcement into your daily interactions. For example, you could try a 30-day gratitude challenge as a couple or engage in a fun morning gratitude routine.

Stop Self-Sabotaging Behaviors and Enjoy Fulfilling Relationships

Overcoming self-sabotage is a journey of self-awareness, healing, and growth.

Understanding the underlying causes of destructive patterns can help you build more profound, more fulfilling connections with your partner. Remember, positive change starts with recognizing your unhealthy tendencies, communicating openly, and seeking the tools and support you need to thrive.

To continue this self-discovery and relationship improvement journey, explore BrainManager’s extensive knowledge base and tests, such as the Love Languages Test, which can help you delve deeper into your preferences in romance or the Enneagram Test which can help you better understand your core fears and needs. These resources will help you better understand yourself and find the guidance to foster healthier, happier relationships.

Don’t wait—take the first step toward the fulfilling relationships you deserve!