Have you ever struggled to find the right words when a friend or family member lost someone they loved? It’s easy to feel uncertain, fearing that the wrong words might make things harder.
Yet, your presence and support, even without the perfect words, can provide comfort during these difficult moments.
In this article, we’ll guide you through thoughtful ways to offer support to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. You'll gain insight into how the grief process works, learn what to say (and what not to), and find practical tips for being there when it matters most.
First Things First, Understand That Grief Is a Process
Grief, according to the American Hospice Foundation, is the emotional and psychological experience of coping with loss. It is a natural process that helps individuals come to terms with the passing of a loved one, but it’s not something that can be rushed or "fixed."
Grieving typically involves five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Denial is the initial shock and refusal to believe the loss has occurred, often followed by anger at the absence of their loved one. As time passes, those in mourning may enter a bargaining phase, yearning for life to return to the way it was.
When they realize their loved one will not return, profound sadness sets in. Eventually, acceptance begins to take hold, and they start finding ways to move forward, though life without the person they’ve lost will never be the same.
Understanding these stages doesn’t mean you can guide someone through them—but you can offer comfort along the way. Knowing that grief is a process can help you be more patient and supportive as your grieving loved one navigates this difficult journey.
So, how do you offer genuine support? Let’s explore some thoughtful ways to stand by someone who is grieving.
How to Comfort Someone Who Lost a Loved One
Comfort involves helping ease the burden of grief and pain. To provide meaningful support, it’s important to understand what the person in front of you truly needs.
For some individuals processing loss, the healing process might require words of affirmation. For others, meaningful actions might be more helpful.
For many, just knowing their pain is heard goes a long way. After all, not everyone wants to talk about their loss. In such instances, offering support through simply listening, or just being present, can be enough.
As the saying goes, sometimes silence speaks louder than words.
So, how do you go about it? What is the right or wrong thing to say? And how can you help someone who is grieving feel supported?
It all starts with showing up.
Show Up for the Bereaved Person
As humans, we are wired to thrive within a social support network. We offer and receive comfort from our friends and family to promote healing. And for someone grieving, knowing that they are not stranded makes a big difference.
Do this by simply being there for the person. If you can do so in person, do it. If not, then a phone call or text message can go a long way too. The idea is to be there for the bereaved to let them know they have a loved one to talk to.
Acknowledge Their Loss
Acknowledging the loss of a bereaved person is crucial for their grieving process. It allows them to see that their pain is real and that someone else acknowledges it.
Do Say:
I am sorry for your loss. What you are going through is tough.
Remember to acknowledge their grief without rationalizing it. For a grieving person, it does not matter if the death of their loved one was part of God's plan or a way to send them off to a better place. What matters is that they lost them. And they should be able to grieve such a loss without feeling invalidated.
Do Not Say:
These things happen to everyone, don't feel sad.
Allow Them to Express Themselves
Grief is multifaceted and makes each individual's grieving process unique; especially because of how different every bereaved person’s experience is. However, one thing stays constant, the need to express.
For someone grieving, it is important to express what they feel. Owning and expressing such feelings carries one through the stages of grief and towards acceptance; helping a bereaved person heal.
Is there a right or wrong way of doing so? Not really.
While some might express their grief by talking about the deceased, others might want to hear someone else’s special memory of them. Some might opt for attending a support group to know they are not alone, while others might prefer processing their loss in private.
Whatever the way of expression, be there for them.
Do Say:
Even if you don't feel like talking, know I am here and that I will be checking up again soon.
Do Not Say:
Take my advice and do not be sad. It is a part of life.
Recognize the Struggles of Their Personal Grieving Process
Understanding what a grieving person is going through is important to offer bereavement support; because it is not only about losing a loved one, it is also about losing the possibility of all the things that could have been.
Such a loss is hard to recover from and brings in a magnitude of overwhelming emotions (this is especially true when the loss is due to suicide, which can add layers of guilt, confusion, and trauma).
Therefore, instead of telling a grieving person to "move on" or "focus on the days ahead", look into their experience with empathy. Be present and attentive to their struggle without imposing onto them what you think would work best.
Remember, their emotions are unique. So is the way they choose to cope with the pain that more often than not seems bottomless. Hence, instead of minimizing their grief, focus on choosing the right words to validate their loss. Acknowledge their pain and allow them to see that they can learn to grow around their grief.
For someone with high emotional intelligence, showcasing empathy to someone grieving comes naturally. But if you find it challenging, up next we are going to discuss some more specific things to say and avoid when offering support.
After that, we will offer tips on how to help someone who lost a loved one.
What to Say and What Not to Say to a Grieving Friend
Choosing the right words is one of the most compassionate ways to acknowledge a person's loss. It helps validate the overwhelming emotions that someone grieving is experiencing and offers them the support they need as they begin to process their pain.
Sometimes, even a simple phrase can provide immense comfort, while the wrong words—though often well-intentioned—can unintentionally cause harm or frustration.
Below are some thoughtful statements that can provide support, along with a few phrases to avoid when communicating with someone who is grieving.
What to Say to a Grieving Person
When someone is grieving, they don’t expect you to have all the answers or to ease their pain. However, offering sincere words of empathy can create a safe space for them to share their feelings.
The key is to be present, acknowledge their loss, and validate their emotions. Simple, heartfelt expressions of support can make all the difference in helping a grieving person feel less alone.
Here are some examples of supportive things to say to a person who has experienced the passing of someone they love, along with why these phrases are comforting:
- I am sorry for your loss. – A simple yet sincere acknowledgment of their pain.
- This is a difficult thing to go through. – Validates their experience without minimizing the difficulty.
- Your feelings are valid, this is not easy. – Affirms that whatever they are feeling is normal and understandable.
- I wish I could find the perfect thing to say. – Acknowledges that words may be inadequate but shows your care.
- I don’t know what to say, but please know I am here for you. – Even without perfect words, this phrase conveys your presence and support.
- They will always remain in our hearts. – Provides comfort by expressing that the deceased will not be forgotten.
- Would you like to hear my favorite memory about them? – Offering to share memories can bring a smile or comfort through remembrance.
- What can I do to help you get through this time? – Shows a willingness to provide practical support tailored to their needs.
- I’m here for you, however you need. – Offers support without placing expectations, giving them control over how you can help.
- Take all the time you need to grieve. – Removes the pressure to rush through the grieving process and affirms that it’s okay to take time.
- I’m thinking of you and sending you strength. – Offers emotional support and reminds them that they are in your thoughts.
- It’s okay to cry, scream, or feel however you feel. – Validates all emotions, showing acceptance of their grieving process without judgment.
What Not to Say to a Grieving Person
While it's tempting to offer reassurance or try to make things better, certain phrases can diminish the grieving person's emotions or make them feel pressured to "move on" too quickly.
Avoiding these types of statements can prevent unintentionally invalidating their feelings. Grief is a personal journey, and there’s no need to push someone toward healing before they are ready.
Here are some examples of things you don't want to say to someone who is grieving, along with why these phrases can be harmful:
- Death is a part of life, it’s better to accept it. – While true, this can feel dismissive and rushes the person through their grief, implying they should "accept" it quickly.
- Everything happens for a reason. – This phrase, though intended to comfort, can sound empty or harsh, especially when someone is in deep emotional pain and not ready to rationalize their loss.
- They are in a better place now. – Regardless of beliefs, this can minimize the current pain of the grieving person, shifting the focus away from their feelings of loss.
- You will move on from this, everyone does. – This suggests there is a set timeline for grief, which can invalidate the person's current emotions and pressure them to "move on" too soon.
- Don’t let your feelings get to you. – This implies that expressing emotions is wrong, when in fact, acknowledging and processing emotions is essential for healing.
- You should be strong for your family and loved ones. – This adds unnecessary pressure, suggesting they should hide their grief to support others, which can hinder their own grieving process.
- Just distract yourself, and you will feel better. – Distractions may help temporarily, but they don't address the grieving person’s emotions, and can delay the healing process.
- At least they lived a long life. – This can minimize the grief, as it suggests that the loss is somehow less painful because the deceased lived longer, when the bereaved may still feel immense sadness.
- I know how you feel. – Even if you've experienced grief, each person's experience is unique, and this phrase can make the person feel misunderstood or dismissed.
- God never gives us more than we can handle. – While comforting for some, this phrase may alienate those who don’t share the same religious beliefs or are struggling with their faith.
Tips for Helping a Grieving Loved One, Friend, or Co-Worker
Now that we understand the core components of offering bereavement support and have gone over some things to say—and not to say—here’s how you can implement them to offer comfort to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one.
Remember, the goal is to help them find ease and healing, rather than rushing them through the process.
Do Not Be Afraid to Offer Help
Even though you might not know exactly what to say to a grieving friend, do not let that stop you from reaching out. In-person visits, phone calls, or thoughtful text messages all help someone grieving feel loved and cared for, especially in the early days following their loss.
However, it’s important to remember that support is often needed even more in the weeks and months that follow.
While there may be an outpouring of help immediately after a passing, the sense of isolation and loneliness can increase as time goes on and others return to their routines. Offering help during this later stage can be crucial in making someone feel less forgotten and more supported as they continue to navigate their grief.
Do Listen Patiently
Depending on what a bereaved person wants to talk about, do listen. They might want to focus on their feelings, share a happy memory of the deceased, or talk about something completely unrelated, all you should do is listen. That too actively.
Listening actively to your loved one's grief provides them with a safe space to express themselves and heal a bit more.
Learn more about how to develop better listening skills.
Do Not Take Over their Grief
It seems suitable to share our own experiences of grief when offering support to grieving friends. However, it often overshadows their pain and shifts the focus from their loss to our struggle, invalidating their feelings along the way.
Remember, it might also prevent them from sharing their own pain, restricting their grieving process.
Do Share Memories
A meaningful way to help a bereaved friend is to share your favorite memories of the deceased person. Mention how they impacted your life, how they proved to be such a good person and friend, and how they will be remembered fondly even after their passing.
Just be sure to gauge whether the bereaved person is open to hearing such memories. If not, it’s best to step back from this approach.
Do Not Offer Unsolicited Advice
It’s natural to want to offer comfort and stability to a grieving individual. But even with the best intentions, we often do so by giving unsolicited advice, which can be overwhelming and unhelpful.
Suggestions like “Go for a walk, distract yourself, or focus on the positive” may seem harmless, but they can feel dismissive to someone who is deeply grieving.
Instead of advice, it’s more supportive to simply ask if there’s anything you can do to help them during this difficult time. Providing a listening ear or practical assistance can go a long way in offering meaningful support, without adding pressure or expectations.
Do Help in Practical Ways
It is normal for a bereaved person to struggle when asking for help. Hence, make it easy for them by extending a helping hand in whatever you can. Funeral arrangements, cooking food, or even offering to run errands, do what might help ease their life a bit.
Do Look for Warning Signs
Allowing someone to grieve is crucial, as grief is a necessary and natural process. However, it’s equally important to recognize when grief may be turning into something more prolonged or complicated. According to the British Medical Journal, if grief persists for more than 6 to 12 months and is accompanied by symptoms like ongoing sadness, difficulty resuming daily life, excessive alcohol usage, substance abuse, or engaging in other harmful behaviors, it may be time to consider professional support.
If your loved one shows these signs, gently encourage them to seek help through counseling, medication management, or joining a grief support group. Professional guidance can be essential in navigating complicated grief and helping them find a path forward.
Learn how to recognize signs and symptoms of depression.
With these tips in hand, you can offer words of suitable comfort to a grieving friend in the right manner.
Final Thoughts on Supporting a Grieving Person
Navigating conversations around loss is never easy, but finding the right words can offer immense comfort to the person grieving.
Grief is deeply personal, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Every individual’s journey through loss is different. Whether it’s offering a listening ear, recognizing his or her feelings, or providing practical support, each small act of kindness can make a meaningful difference in the healing process.
Supporting someone through grief requires compassion, patience, and attentiveness to their unique needs. By being mindful of both what to say and what to avoid, we can help a loved one feel understood and supported during these pivotal moments, which often shape a person’s adult life.
So, as you reflect on what you’ve learned, consider how you’ll apply these insights to offer comfort to someone mourning today—whether through your presence, your words, or simply by listening.
