Have you been feeling disconnected lately?
Your friends are too busy to hang out, no one is leaving you messages, and it's been a minute since anyone called to see how you're doing.
Or maybe it's not your friends; for some reason, you don't feel up to spending time with others.
It can be upsetting when it feels like you’re all alone and the world has moved on without you. But people feel lonely all the time, and the good news is that loneliness usually goes away once you get back to connecting with the people you love.
But what happens when it doesn't? What do you do when your loneliness is persistent and pervasive?
Prolonged loneliness, also called chronic loneliness, is harmful to your mental and physical health, interpersonal relationships, and even your job.
Keep reading to learn how to recognize the signs, identify the root causes, and deploy the right strategies to reduce loneliness.
What is Loneliness?
The American Psychological Association defines loneliness as the "emotional distress that results when your inherent needs for intimacy and companionship are not met."
In simpler terms, loneliness is your body’s way of telling you that your social relationships are lacking.
Just like you get hungry when you don't eat or tired when you don't sleep, you get lonely when your social activities, interactions, and relationships fall short of your expectations.
The Difference Between Loneliness and Aloneness
It is tempting to assume that since loneliness stems from an unfulfilled desire to connect, you can make it disappear by socializing with others. That’s why many people attend parties, cling to their friends, or call up an ex when they feel lonely.
Unfortunately, things are not that simple. Loneliness is not the same thing as being alone. It is very possible to be surrounded by people all day, every day, and still feel lonely.
Conversely, you can spend several hours alone but still feel connected to the people you love.
The difference is that while loneliness is a feeling, aloneness is a state of being.
People with different personality types — for example, introverts versus extroverts — react differently to being alone. For some, it may trigger feelings of loneliness; for others, it may be just what they need to recharge their social batteries.
What Are Some Causes of Loneliness?
Loneliness can happen for many reasons, but the most common causes usually involve life changes. For example, if you just:
- started living alone,
- got out of a long-term relationship,
- changed careers or schools,
- got divorced,
- quit or lost your job, or
- lost a family member.
Loneliness may also come as a package deal with your job (especially if it’s not a good fit for your personality type).
Certain professions like fire lookout, lighthouse keeper, deep sea fisher, astronaut, or offshore oil rig worker require you to be away from your family and friends for weeks and months. The prolonged separation may cause you to feel lonely, especially if you're having difficulty fitting in at work.
Physical illness, mental health conditions, and some psychiatric disorders can also cause loneliness. Feeling lonely, social isolation, and depression are common in people with chronic pain.
Your condition may alienate you from others and make you unable to understand them and vice versa. It may be physically difficult to go out and make friends. Or it may require energy you don't have to spare.
Sometimes, even with all the love and care in the world, you can still feel lonely, especially if you feel misunderstood. When there is an aspect of your life that you can't talk to anyone about because you believe they wouldn't "get it," you can start to feel alone and isolated.
Are You Chronically Lonely?
The biggest symptom of loneliness is feeling like you don't have people with whom you share a deep and meaningful connection. We all go through feeling lonely from time to time. But when a lack of social interactions impacts the quality of our life, especially for an extended period, it can be a cause for concern.
Various tools exist for measuring loneliness, but here are some of the most important warning signs that your chronic loneliness needs to be addressed:
- Sleep problems
- Apathy
- Impulse control problems like excessive shopping and eating
- Constant fatigue
- Chronic illness
- Alcohol abuse
- Mental health problems
- Extreme sadness
- Social isolation
If you recognize a number of these signs in yourself, you are at a high risk for depression and other mental health issues (regardless of whether you are lonely or not).
We strongly recommend talking to someone, especially if you also have thoughts of self-harm. Health care providers, therapists, support groups, and crisis hotlines can help you get through it.
Who Suffers From Loneliness?
Everyone, regardless of age, sex, or background, gets lonely sooner or later. In fact, 52 percent of Americans report feeling lonely at some point in their life. However, certain groups are more at risk of loneliness than others.
Adolescents are one such age group. They are in that weird transition period between child and adult, not to mention under immense pressure to meet academic expectations and set the course for the rest of their lives. The stress of their responsibilities and the physical and emotional changes they experience can cause them to feel isolated and alone.
Minorities are also at risk. Racial minorities living or working in predominantly white areas may experience discrimination or struggle to make friends due to cultural differences. The same goes for sexual minorities. They may experience stigmatization as well as rejection from their family and friends.
Older adults are also in danger of loneliness. Research shows that at least a quarter of Americans aged 65 and older experience loneliness because they live alone, have lost family and friends, or suffer from a chronic illness.
Can Introverts Feel Lonely?
There are two contrasting misconceptions about introverts and loneliness. One-half of people think all introverts are lonely (and, as a result, are probably depressed) because they don't enjoy crowds or have a wide circle of friends. The other half presume that since introverts cherish their alone time, they are immune to loneliness.
Neither one is true.
Although introverts can spend hours alone without getting lonely, they still crave intimacy and companionship like any other human being. What distinguishes their experience of loneliness from others is that they are more discriminating in the type of social contact they seek.
While an extrovert might suggest a party or a night out with friends to relieve loneliness, introverts usually crave something more intimate. They are looking for connection, support, and understanding. Someone who gets them. Sometimes, that might be as simple as someone willing to sit with them and spend time together in silence.
Free Members Article: Tips to Help Introverts Build Strong Friendships
Can Extroverts Feel Lonely?
Extroverts draw energy from others, so being alone is usually difficult for them. They may feel drained, isolated, and lonely, especially if they lack coping strategies.
However, it is not only when they are alone that extroverts can experience loneliness. They can feel lonely even while smack dab in the middle of a crowd.
For one, they may feel like their social connections are superficial and surface-level, and they may crave a deeper level of intimacy.
Also, being an extrovert does not automatically mean you have good social skills. Some extroverts suffer from social anxiety and struggle to make friends despite wanting to engage with people.
Loneliness Effects on Your Mental and Physical Health
Humans are social creatures. We are hardwired to crave company and seek meaningful connections with others. Chronic loneliness prevents you from enjoying the company and social interaction your body craves, leading to stress, depression, and even health problems.
The Vicious Cycle of Loneliness and Depression
Loneliness and depression are two different things. Loneliness is an emotion, while depression is a mental health condition. But loneliness, if left untreated, can lead to major depressive disorder. It causes negative feelings of aloneness and low self-esteem, contributing to depression.
Loneliness and depression overlap so much that it can be difficult to tell them apart. Many people consider them two sides of the same coin. Both conditions involve similar feelings, and one is usually indicative of the other.
So, while loneliness can cause depression, it may also indicate already existing depression. The result is a vicious cycle where loneliness causes depressive symptoms, provoking more loneliness and on and on and on. Many psychiatric disorders can also impact the quality of a person's social interactions, leading to feelings of loneliness and depression.
Loneliness Causes Stress
Loneliness can impair your ability to relax. Studies show that prolonged loneliness spikes your cortisol levels. Cortisol is the hormone responsible for regulating stress. Too much of it in your body will cause mental distress and make you feel restless, putting you at higher risk of burnout syndrome.
Loneliness Causes Physical Health Problems
Loneliness puts you in a perpetual state of stress, which weakens your immune system and makes you sick. The CDC has established a strong link between loneliness in older adults and many health conditions like premature death, dementia, Alzheimer's disease, heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety, and suicide.
Low Self-Esteem and Loneliness
The connection between self-esteem, social isolation, and feeling lonely can be circular, much like that with depression. A person with poor self-esteem or social anxiety is less likely to make new relationships. This can leave them feeling lonely, which can, in turn, negatively impact their esteem even further.
Alternately, forced social isolation (situations not by choice), such as what happened during the pandemic, can lead to low self-esteem and loneliness in otherwise confident and emotionally healthy people.
How to Deal with Loneliness – 5 Ways to Prevent Mental Health Issues
You may be contributing to your feelings of loneliness and depression through your habits and lifestyle choices. If that’s the case, implementing a couple of these changes can go a long way in helping you ease symptoms and reduce feelings of loneliness and depression.
1. Practice Self-Love
You can't connect with others if you don't love yourself. It's terribly cliché but also true. People are drawn to those they see as confident, happy, and charismatic.
So, take some time to figure out who you are, and learn to love yourself — the good, bad, and ugly.
Pay attention to your mental health, and work on getting rid of any feelings of low self-esteem. When you're confident in your skin and see your self-worth, it will radiate and attract people to you.
2. Eat Healthy
Eating healthy can reduce your stress and improve how you feel. Serotonin, the hormone responsible for happiness, develops primarily in the gut, and the amount your body produces depends on what kinds of food you eat.
While the habit of eating good foods won't directly change your social situation, it can help you feel better emotionally when being away from others can not be avoided. A poor diet can also contribute to a lack of energy, which makes you not want to socialize.
So, avoid fried foods, processed meat, and candy, all of which can ruin your mood. Instead, infuse fish, chocolate, fruits, and other mood-boosting foods into your diet.
3. Follow a Regular Exercise Plan
After a vigorous workout, your body releases serotonin and endorphins — feel-good chemicals — that reduce stress, improve productivity, and boost your mood. Couple this with the self-confidence that comes with keeping in shape, and you'll find it easier to go out and make friends.
4. Find a Social Hobby
Your hobby can be anything. You can volunteer in your community, take dance lessons, or join a cooking class. The point is to find something that gets you out and interacting with people. Volunteering and hobbies have also been proven to combat stress and help fight depression!
The first couple of times may be difficult and awkward. Over time, you'll find yourself talking with other people, even if it's something as mundane as asking them to pass the salt. Slowly but surely, you'll get more comfortable, build strong friendships, and have your little community to fall back on when you're feeling lonely.
5. Make Time for Your Family and Friends
Spending time with your family and friends can help keep loneliness at bay. If you're the type who's always busy with work, you'll need to make a conscious effort to make time for the people closest to you. Schedule dinner with your loved ones regularly.
Don’t wait for them to reach out to you. Be proactive, and call to check up on them every once in a while. These little interactions will go a long way to beat back loneliness (and make you a better friend as well!)
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How to Overcome Loneliness: When Is It Time for Help?
The best way to overcome loneliness and fight depression is to identify the cause and root it out. If you can’t avoid being alone for long periods, take steps to do other things that bring joy to your life.
Do you feel misunderstood? Find a support group that understands your unique problems.
Do you struggle to make friends? Develop your social skills so that you can cultivate meaningful relationships.
If you don't know the root cause of your feelings of loneliness — especially if you are also experiencing another mental health condition like depression — talking to a therapist can help.
They will create a treatment plan and provide the professional support, structure, and accountability you need to make the necessary changes toward living a fulfilling life.
